How About That Thing?

Today, I’d like to talk to you about Boney the Dinosaur.

That’s BARNEY the Dinosaur, dumbass. Though now that I think of it, that’s actually a good place to start.

See, in the 90s, there was this dinosaur character named Barney. Babies loved him, but anybody older than five quite literally wanted to kick his ass. The current generation looks back on things like this and says we over-reacted. And… I guess they aren’t COMPLETELY wrong, but boy, there was just something about watching this overly happy purple moron sing and dance his stupid little songs and dances that made most 90s folk just want to wail on this guy with a baseball bat. Maybe it was overexposure, maybe there was something to be said for that children’s entertainment expert insisting Barney was dumbing down society… Hell, maybe Barney just had that sort of face that just sends you into an irrational rage. All I know is people in the 90s hate hate HATED Barney the Dinosaur.

So naturally, when someone hates something this much, they want to make fun of it. And that’s when the parodies came. Some were genuinely funny, and have stood the test of time. A lot of them, however, were just mean-spirited and somehow more childish than Barney himself.

And then there was this guy.

This little guy is Boney. He was created by the unfortunately named Marc Weiner, and used frequently in the show that was equally unfortunately named Weinerville.

Yes, Weinerville. Honestly, trying to describe Weinerville is a daunting task to say the least. It was a sketch comedy, but it also had a plot. It was where a lot of 90s kids discovered such 60s animated classics(?) as Mr. Magoo, or Clyde Crashcup. It was where two kids could get “weinerized”, and make them play carnival games in order to win a hot dog trophy. I tell you what, dear reader, Weinerville was an absolute cassarol of nonsense… And that’s probably why I loved it as much as I did as a kid.

And among the many other puppets and cartoons and what not, there was Boney the Dinosaur: a puppet that was quite literally the antithesis of that loveable purple moron over on that other network. Where as Barney was happy, and willing to sing songs and dance with the children, Boney was pissed off, and wanted everybody to leave him the fuck alone. Kind of like me in middle school, except Boney didn’t wear a black hoody in summer because he thought it made him look like The Undertaker. Shut up.

The sketches were pretty simple. Boney would be forced to tell a story, or read a poem, or give advice, and it always degenerated into an angry rant, or Boney oversimplifying the topic while reminding the audience he hated them and wanted to be left alone. Except they never did.

The amazing thing, though, is that Boney ended up becoming the most popular thing in Weinerville at one point. So much so, that he got to host new years on Nickelodeon two years in a row. They even gave him the opportunity to educate the kids on interesting historical and political topics, such as “why is this donkey a democrat?”, and “Why does the president have to live in the white house?” They were surprisingly informative, despite Boney’s misanthropic and antisocial demeaner.

At one point, Boney even got to be the star of a made for TV movie! I forget what it was called off the top of my head, and Wikipedia was surprisingly no help, but I distinctly remember Boney running for public office. And I think that was a lot of kids’ first taste of crooked politicians as well.

If I’m being honest, I don’t remember much from that movie outside the bad guy scheming to turn a park into a parking lot, and Boney declaring that America was “land of the free, and home of the cheeseburger.” But I remember watching it as a kid, and I remember loving it.

Apparently, Marc Weiner himself is on record saying Boney was his favorite character to write for. I can’t say I’m shocked, or even surprised, really.

Hell, some of my earliest writings as a kid were Boney sketches I came up with. Were they just as good as the original source material? Probably not. But I like to think my attempt at writing them was a fundamental step in developing skills as both a writer and as a comedian.

It’s honestly amazing to think how something that started off as one of the funnier Barney parodies of its time ended up transcending that, and became it’s own runaway smash hit in the process. Kind of like how Space Ghost Coast to Coast transcended being a dumb parody of an otherwise forgettable D-list superhero, or how Five Nights at Freddy’s transcended being a dark parody of Chuck E. Cheese.

Suffice to say, the puppet’s fifteen minutes of fame came and went, and I haven’t heard anything about him ever since. But boy, those were some hilarious fifteen minutes right there. NOW GET OUT OF HERE!