How About That Thing?

I’m no animation guru or whatever, but if I’ve observed anything over the years, the 1980s were one of the more interesting decades for cartoons. A lot of the 1980s, and some of the earliest of the 1990s for that matter, was an era I like to call “The 30-minute toy commercial era”. Meaning that most cartoons were designed specifically to sell toys, and not much else.

Nowadays, cartoons are filled to the brim with lore, and continuity is a lot more heavily focused on. Probably because in this day and age of streaming, you’re binge-watching every single episode from start to finish, and you’re a lot more likely to spot errors like that. Then, you’d take to the internet, mock them for making said errors, and make it your life’s goal to make sure those individuals never find work in the industry ever again because of said errors. Because the internet is a toxic waste dump, and you’re an anonymous asshole with nothing better to do with their lives.

Meanwhile, in a year like 1986, you could get away with continuity errors and a lack of attention to any lore. Partly because paying that kind of attention to detail made you a nerd, and being a nerd WASN’T something to be proud of back in those days. But mostly, it was because cartoons had but one purpose back then: to sell little boys action figures, toy vehicles, and whatever other toys they could come up with. And I guess by extension, sell little girls things like baby dolls, and My Little Pony brand toy horses and hair care products. Back when that cartoon was for seven-year-old girls rather than thirty-seven-year-old men. I’m still trying to figure out how the hell that one happened… But I’m already way off topic.

I confess, I didn’t see a whole lot of 80s cartoons until much later on in life. Well, okay, I DID see a lot of the untouchable classics: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, G.I. Joe, Transformers, etc. The ones that virtually everybody my age absolutely adores, and jumps up your ass with all their rage if you have the audacity to be even slightly critical. Those I saw, but by the time I did, they were in sindication on places like The USA network’s cartoon block,or Cartoon Network, or The Scifi Channel, etc. And when I did watch a lot of them… Honestly… I was a bit less than impressed. Like, at absolute most, I could at least see the appeal as toys, but man, a lot of these shows were pretty bad.

But that doesn’t mean there weren’t a couple of diamonds in the rough. And one of the ones I remembered loving on Cartoon Network back in the day was a little show by the name of…

Yes, The Centurions. I used to love this show as a kid… And after watching some clips on YouTube, I GUESS I have no idea why? Other than the obvious fact that kids have lower standards, I guess. That, and as far as 80s cartoons designed to sell action figures goes, it could’ve been a lot worse. It could’ve been a lot BETTER, but it could’ve been worse.

Thinking back on it, the only conclusion I can come to was that it kind of reminded me of shows like Power Rangers, or VR Troopers, and the like. IE, three dudes gain some sort of superpower, shout a catchphrase, and treat us to an elaborate transformation sequence before Japanese stock footage takes over, and we watch a hero beat the shit out of monsters, or robots, or robot monsters, or whatever. I was really in to tokusatsu shows like that as a kid, and The Centurions, in a way, was kind of like a sort of predecessor to that or something. Granted, “Power extreme!” doesn’t quite have the same ring to it as “it’s morphin’ time!”, but it’s something.

How it differs from a lot of tokusatsu shows, though, is that there isn’t always a monster of the day. Rather, the show focused more on making the same nameless grunts do different sorts of things in order to fulfill the main bad guy’s plot. Sometimes, there’d be a new monster, or a different villain, but it was basically just three guys kicking the same nameless grunts’ asses each episode. And I probably would’ve gotten tired of it a lot quicker if Cartoon Network didn’t relegate it to weekend mornings, if my memory is correct.

I wanted to watch some episodes to refresh my memory, only to find that literally no streaming service carries this show as of this writing. Hell, you can’t even find full episodes on YouTube! Although you CAN find clips, but it’s not the same. You CAN find two DVD sets containing all sixty episodes on Amazon, but as of this writing, I don’t exactly make DVD collector money anymore. Also, it’s kind of a long way to go to find, like, three or four episodes you’ll only watch once.

Basically, what I’m saying is a lot of what I have to say about this show comes from my memories at absolute best. And luckily for me, The Centurions was an 80s cartoon. When you’ve seen one or two episodes, you’ve pretty much seen everything the show has to offer.

The show’s opening theme, narrated by the guy who had the grave misfortune of having to narrate The Superfriends for as long as he did, explains the premise of the series, and introduces the important characters.

“We start right off the bat with this guy. This is Doc Terror. He’s basically the main big bad of the series, and about ninety-nine percent of the reason the world is under threat is because of him and his machines. Where one guy found the time to assemble an entire army like this, who can say? I figured you’d have to be pulling down Elon Musk money in order to have an army of evil robots do your bidding and fight other dudes in robot suits… But I guess the 80s really WERE a simpler time.

This is Hacker. He… Exists. As memory serves, he’s The Centurions’ equivalent of someone like Goldar. IE, he frequently leads the charge on the field, he frequently gets his ass kicked, and when Doc Terror’s plans ultimately fail, he’s the one who gets blamed for it. Even when it isn’t his fault.

Once we’ve established that Doc Terror is the bad guy, and he basically wants to roboticize the planet, we get introduced to the heroes.

First up is Max Ray: the underwater expert. All of his suit’s weaponry and gadgets are designed to fight either underwater, or on the surface of the water. And, in one or two episodes, in space. Because maneuvering in zero gravity is the same thing as swimming, according to the show’s logic.

Max has a dog who hangs out on the space station with all the technicians, and as memory serves, his presence onboard ends up being the source of a lot of the unintentionally cringeworthy attempts at comedy that shows like this were famous for. While not as bad as, say, Snarf from The Thundercats, or Gleek from that version of The Superfriends with The Wonder Twins, it’s pretty inoffensive, I guess. If only because I forgot all about it until looking up clips of this show.

But hey, I can’t say I blame Max for wanting to take his dog with him to work. I’ve met plenty of people who travel with their dog everywhere they go, and they’re usually pretty cool dudes.

Also, he has a pretty epic moustache. I mean it’s no Lemmy, or Tom Selleck, but it’s definitely up there.

Up next is Jake Rockwell: the land specialist. And the fact his last name is Rockwell is something I never really thought about until I started the final draft of this article. Very Flintstones esque humor there if I do say so myself. Ugh.

All of his weaponry and gadgets are based on land vehicles like ATVs and motorcycles. Also, the show insists he’s rugged as fuck. And you know if the narrator has to tell you that detail, it must be true.

I remember him being the hothead of the group. Not an idiot, mind you, but he does get pissed off pretty easily. And it’s usually because of this guy.

Last up, there’s Ace McLeod: the air specialist. Of course HE’D be the air expert, with a name like Ace. Also, with a last name like McLeod, which sounds like Mc-Cloud when you say it quick enough. Suddenly, I’m beginning to think the writing staff might have phoned this show in a little more than even I originally thought.

All of his weapons and gadgets are built around air combat, which means a lot of wings, a lot of jet thrusters, etc.

Ace is the care free one, and he’ usually the reason Jake is pissed off. Also, if memory serves correctly, Ace was that guy who’d hit on just about anything with a vagina. Including, but not limited to, the girl who initiates their transformation sequences. It’s the kind of character people in 1980-whatever probably didn’t think much about, but he’d probably get #MeToo’d to oblivion and back if he tried half that shit here in 2024.

Despite that last little quirk, though, I remember Ace being my favorite of the trio as a kid. Less because of his obsession with puntang, and because he had all the cool equipment. Plus, being the one who could fly was pretty awesome in my book.

The Centurions was a show that definitely required some suspension of disbelief. IE, three guys could, and usually DID take on an entire army of robots in every single episode. Not to mention the term “retrofuturism” comes up a lot when I look at the tech of the show. True, we don’t have robot suits that can do anything like The Centurions, but when I look at that onboard computer and see the graphics on the screen, and hear how loud that keyboard is when the girl character (whose name I’ve forgotten off the top of my head, if you haven’t already noticed) types on it… Yeah, we’ve come a long way since 1986.

I’ll give the show credit, though: they don’t say the specific date of when this all happens. Simply that it’s “the near future”. One of my favorite things to laugh at when it comes to older science fiction is how so many people tried predicting the future, and ended up being so wrong. For example: Isaac Asimov predicted we’d have fully functioning walking talking robots in 2007. Thundar the Barbarian predicted nuclear holocaust would occur in 1994. Hell, even Red Dwarf predicted we’d be able to store fully functioning holographic simulations of human beings, alive or dead, on fucking floppy disk!

The Centurions isn’t immune to this cliche… But aside from dated looking computers, and the fact land lines might still be a thing in their universe, it’s pretty forgiveable. And even then, that’s just my personal thing I like to poke fun of.

Lastly, because it was a cartoon in the 1980s, it had to have a lesson at the end. The only one I remember off the top of my head, though, was one where Doc Terror himself was explaining to Hacker how computer programming worked, and how if so much as one line of code is off, it fucks the entire program. On one hand, I used to find computer programming really fascinating. On the other hand, I recall this, and wonder out loud why he has to explain this basic-ass computer lesson to Hacker of all people. Surely, Hacker had to write his share of software for the doc’s robot minions, right?

There’s really not much else I can say about the show. It was loud, dumb, and it went nowhere, but name an 80s cartoon that wasn’t. And as far as 80s cartoons go, you could definitely do worse. If you’re in the mood to pick up some DVDs, I’d recommend picking up some copies.