How About That Thing?

Space Opera has always been my favorite subgenre of science fiction. I know that a lot of space operas owe a tremendous debt to Star Trek, but… Weirdly, I never liked Star Trek. Like, any incarnation of Star Trek. I don’t know why, either. And yet, I’ve come to love every other space opera that’s come out since.

Hell, decades later, I’d even write, and self-publish my own space opera. In fact, part of me wonders why I hadn’t tried that years ago? Aside from the fact all publishers wanted at the time was more gag-inducing Twilight or Anita Blake clones. Thank god we don’t live in that time anymore. NOW all publishers want is Shadow and Bone and Bridgerton clones, apparently. But I digress.

If I had to pick a specific space opera to dedicate my entire fandom to, no questions asked, it’d have to be Red Dwarf.

How the hell did my American ass find out about Red Dwarf, you ask? Well, tell you the truth, I didn’t really discover the series until about 2008 or so. Back in yee olden days of Netflix, when streaming was still a foreign concept, and Netflix gave you what you wanted to watch via DVDs inside of little red envelopes. Which usually guaranteed that the DVD was scratched up or cracked, and you’d only get to watch so much before it’d start skipping, or just outright refuse to play any further. Truly, those were dark times.

I’d heard of the show, and everybody I’d heard talk about it had nothing but nice things to say about it, so I figured I’d get season 1 through yee olden Netflix. I only managed to watch the first three episodes before the disk crapped out on me, but what I saw was enough to motivate me to start buying the series on DVD. And before I knew it, I found myself with all eight seasons on my shelf. Back when here were eight seasons, anyway. They’ve long since put out four more… Which I really need to get around to watching, I just now realized. But again, I digress.

I’ve been a fan of Red Dwarf for about as long as I’ve been an adult. And I often tell people who demand I pick a side in the epic battle between Star Trek and Star Wars that I prefer Red Dwarf. And they get all mad, because much like American politics, you’re not allowed to vote for a third party because that means you gave your vote to the guy I don’t like. Or at least that’s how it works on Twitter, anyway.

In due course, I eventually got word that an American adaptation had been in the works at the height of Red Dwarf’s popularity in the UK. Outside of the pilot episode, though, nothing ever came of it. Part of me was genuinely curious what the American version looked like… But if I learned anything over the years, I learned that the American version of British comedy always ends up sucking ass.

Believe me, I’ve seen several shows that were funny in their native Britain that quickly became dog shit the moment the Americans got a hold of them. The most recent example being the show Ghosts. My wife and I watched the original on MAX (back when it was HBO MAX), and it was hilarious. Then, I watched about two episodes of the American version on Paramount+, and yeesh. It’s like the American show went out of its way to dumb everything down for the people watching.

I’ve seen this with other British comedies that got the Americanization treatment. The only exception to the rule I can think of off the top of my head is maybe The Office, if only because the British version was equally not funny.. Other than that, I’ve seen my share of British comedy that was genuinely funny, and then I saw that comedy get translated over to America and fail spectacularly.

With this in mind, it’s no surprise Red Dwarf USA never made it past the pilot. I don’t know how long the American pilot had been on-line, but I did eventually find it, and I gave it a watch. And… Yeah, it’s pretty bad.

Right out the gate, Once we get past the opening theme song, which doesn’t even come close to the British intro in any way shape or form, we’re greeted by this.

This is the American version of Holly: The Red Dwarf’s onboard AI. Yeah, I guess you could say Red Dwarf predicted AI before everyone else did. Specifically in the sense that it’s buggy, it breaks easily, it rarely does exactly what you want it to do… Hell, I bet if you ask Holly to draw you a picture of a hot redheaded gymnast girl in a black leotard, she’ll probably give you a drawing of a girl with black arms and legs, three big toes on each foot, four thumbs on each hand, and a red bodysuit instead.

This version of Holly convinces me that someone in the writers’ room might have started the adaptation process somewhere around season 3. In the British version, Holly was male until season 3. In universe, Holly met his female counterpart, and was so heartbroken to see her go that he assembled a likeness of her face and voice, and started using it as his default avatar from that day forward. Out of universe, I think it was because the guy who played Holly was holding out for better pay, and got his walking papers instead. Right up until about season 8, but I digress.

Honestly, the American Holly isn’t terrible. Maybe not my first choice for an American Holly, but I could see myself getting used to this version quickly enough.

The Red Dwarf USA pilot then introduces us to this character right here.

This is Kryton. The fact he’s right here at the start of the show is more undeniable proof that someone started with Season 3 when they were writing this show. Well, technically, Kryton doesn’t appear until season 2, but he gets upgraded from cameo character to part of the main cast in season 3.

And, in an intriguing development, the guy who played Kryten in the British version also plays him in the American version. Not sure how they managed that one, but they did. And it’s probably one of the few casting decisions I approve of. Unlike this one right here.

This is Dave Lister: the main character of Red Dwarf. And…

That is the furthest thing from Lister you could possibly get. Lister, in short, is a slob. He’s got long hair, his uniforms are often filthy, he smokes like a chimney, he drinks like a fish… I can at least understand not making him Scottish, but for crying out loud, man, give the guy a mullet at least!

What we have right here is a complete misfire. Like, I’m sure the guy they got to play Lister is an okay guy and all, but this was a grievous miscasting if there ever was one.

Anyway, the USA pilot pretty much follows the original British version of the first episode beat for beat, say for the fact Kryten is onboard, and becomes friends with Lister. Aside from that one difference, it’s pretty much the same episode. Lister sneaks a cat onboard, gets caught, gets put in suspended animation for the remainder of the trip… Although in the British version, it was so they wouldn’t have to pay him, and in the American version, it was because he’d be facing criminal charges once they got back to Earth.

Lister gets out of suspended animation, only to learn that he’s actually been there for three million years due to radiation levels skyrocketing while he was in there. As a result, he’s now the only living being on the entire ship. Well, except for this guy.

This character never really receives a proper name in the series. Lister and company just refer to him as Cat, which technically is accurate.

During the Red Dwarf’s three million years adrift, the cat Lister tried to sneak onboard gave birth. Millennia of inbreeding, and radiation forcing cat DNA and human DNA to mingle, resulted in the offspring of that cat evolving into humanoid cat people. Unfortunately, a brutal civil war broke out, and Cat is the only one of his race who didn’t die or take off into the wild black yonder of space to find a new home.

In the British version, we find out about this over the course of season 1 in an arc that unfolds fairly naturally. In the pilot, we find out all about it in the span of two minutes as Holly explains every single fucking aspect of it in graphic detail.

The guy they got to play the American version of Cat is probably the best actor in the whole bunch. Not counting Kryten, if only because he’s the same actor as in the British version, of course. This guy right here understood the assignment, and while our time with him is brief, I could easily see him being the highlight of the series. Just like Cat was in the original series.

And, of course, it wouldn’t be Red Dwarf without everybody’s favorite punching bag…

This is the American version of Rimmer. He’s… Okay, I guess. I kind of got this weird vibe from his performance, though. Like, it sounds like he’s reading his lines from cue cards. I mean there’s doing that, and then there’s sounding like you’re doing that. All of his dialogue sounds… Off. But I digress.

Rimmer, for the uninitiated, is Lister’s bunkmate, and probably would be his superior officer, if not for the fact everybody, including himself, is dead. This version of Rimmer is a hologram that Holly generates in order to keep Lister company. Just in case the wicked obsolete droid and the soul survivor of a race of cat people aren’t good enough. Rimmer is often the butt of a lot of jokes in Red Dwarf, and he deserves every single bit of it. Whether it be about his cowardly behavior in tense situations, his terrible taste in music, or his strong sense of unwarranted self importance, Rimmer is basically the universe’s punching bag.

And so, the cast is complete. And while the odds of them actually returning to Earth are slim at best, Lister decides to set the now decrepit, rusted over bucket of bolts that is the Red Dwarf, complete with defective AI, on a course home.

And it’s here, as the credits roll, when I thank god this never made it anywhere past the pilot phase.

Setting aside all of my fanboy pride, and any comparisons to the British source material, this was genuinely painful to watch. I guess I’m too used to Lister looking like that hobo in the Batman cape that’s been hanging around our local Walmart parking lot, because this guy as Lister is just the ultimate definition of cognitive dissonance. A lot of the humor feels shoehorned in, and the jokes that do genuinely feel funny have no oomph put into them. The plot feels like they had to cram as much Red Dwarf lore into one episode as possible. All of this put together ends up making for a very lackluster adaptation that, again, I’m glad didn’t make it to episode 2.

I would honestly recommend sticking with the original. However, if you’re morbidly curious about what the American pilot looks like, or you’re a masochist, you can find it on YouTube pretty easily these days.