How About That Thing?

Long ago, there was this thing we called gender. There were boys, and there were girls. And I guess an occasional “hermaphrodite”, if you knew where to look, but that’s beside the point. Boys played with boy toys and enjoyed boy activities, and girls played with girl toys and enjoyed girl activities. If a boy was seen playing with girl toys, or admitted to enjoying girl activities, he got his ass kicked. And I’m fairly certain it was the same the other way around, but don’t quote me on it.

The current generation insists this way of thinking is obsolete, insensitive, and bigotted. It’s also important to note that this very same generation uses slang terms like “chicky nuggies” and expects to be taken seriously, considers giving someone a thumbs-up to be the single most offensive thing you can do to someone, and thinks gods gift to music is Taylor Swift. So maybe take their way of thinking with just as much of a grain of salt as ours.

Basically what I’m trying to say is that within this binary of boys and girls, we saw a common practice in toy manufacturing: the idea of taking a girl’s toy and repackaging it for boys.

For example: a popular girl’s toy at the time was Polly Pocket. Weeks later, I saw commercials for a new toy line called Mighty Max. I took one look at Mighty Max, and once I got past the cool looking skull, and the quintessential 90s dude hero, there was only one thought in my head: “This is Polly Pocket. It’s literally the same thing as Polly Pocket.”

I often saw this concept repeat itself in other ways as well. Girls got Polly Pocket, boys got Mighty Max. Girls got Sky Dancers, boys got Dragonflies. Girls got Littlest Pet Shop, boys got Creepy Crawlers. Hell, the Home Alone tape recorder and voice modulator was sold to both boys and girls, but the girls version was in “hot metallic purple.” Which, upon retrospect, actually looked cooler than the dull silver-gray one boys got… And thank god I’m saying that in 2024, or else I’d be getting my ass kicked right about now.

And of course, there was what I’ve always considered the boy equivalent of The Easy Bake Oven: the Dr. Dreadful labs.

The Dr. Dreadful labs were, for all intents and purposes, an excuse for boys to cook dessert, and they got away with it because the desserts in question were designed to look positively disgusting. Lots of bugs, lots of random organs and bodily fluids, and even a few warts thrown in for the hell of it. After all, boys loved gross stuff.

Honestly, though, the thing that made it positively endearing was the man himself, Dr. Dreadful.

The titular Dr. Dreadful was portrayed onscreen by John Kassir, who you might know better as The Cryptkeeper from Tales From the Crypt. And boy, is this perfect casting. Thank god these were toys that produced food, or else there’d probably be teeth marks all over the scenery.

Watching this guy show up out of nowhere during commercial breaks, and shilling these glorified Easy Bake Ovens that made things like gummy cockroaches and the like was an absolute treat in of itself. Also, the food probably wasn’t half bad, either. I really don’t know. I never had the money for one of these bad boys, and even if I did, my mom would probably outright refuse to let me have one. Keep in mind, this is the same woman who refused to let me watch Ren and Stimpy because it was “too gross” or whatever.

Upon retrospect, there were a LOT of Dr. Dreadful labs. In fact, I even discovered one or two that I didn’t even know existed till now!

Starting off with the very first one I, and probably the rest of the world was introduced to first: The Dr. Dreadful Food Lab. Make some gummy cockroaches, spiders, and the like. As well as a disgusting concoction known simply as “monster brains” that’s apparently fruit-flavored.

Shortly afterward, I was introduced to The Dr. Dreadful Drink Lab. Here, you could make “putrid potion”, which basically looks like that ecto cooler drink my friends went all ape-shit-bananas over when they brought it back. Which, for the record, I found to be the ultimate definition of mid, but apparently, I was in a fringe minority of people who think peach flavored things are disgusting.

Next up is the Dr. Dreadful Ice Cream Lab. Yeah, this is one of the ones I actually don’t ever remember seeing. From what I can tell, it’s basically the ice cream version of the food lab. Which is probably good if you like ice cream and/or hate gummy.

Here, we have the Dr. Dreadful Lunch Lab. Here, you can make moldy sandwiches… Which seems kind of pointless, because all I needed to do was leave my lunch out in the open for about a week if I wanted a moldy sandwich… But I imagine Dr. Dreadful’s probably wouldn’t send you to the E.R. by comparison.

This is the Dr. Dreadful Scream Lab. I don’t remember this one, either… But I think this might have been the point where they were starting to run out of ideas. Maybe. I’m not doing these chronologically… Partly because outside of the food and drink labs, I don’t remember what order they debuted in.

This is the Dr. Dreadful Living Lab. If you like dirt and worms, this is probably the lab for you. It’s probably got some other things in there, too, but I only ever remember the commercial showing off the dirt and worms part.

This is the Dr. Dreadful Brain Juice Lab. Basically the same as the drink lab, except you’re filtering your drink through a monster brain. Which, if I’m being honest, might have even set off MY gag reflex the first time I saw this. Sure, eating bugs and warts was pretty gross, but something about drinking fluid excreted from an exposed brain… Yeah, somebody hand me a bucket, I’m about to throw up.

These are the radioactive versions of the Dr. Dreadful Food Lab and Dr. Dreadful Drink Lab. Basically the same thing as the originals, but now they’re “radio active.” Which appears to be a fancy way of saying your gummy bugs are in bright neon colors, and your putrid potion looks more like nuclear waste.

Lastly, we have Dr. Dreadful: MD. Yeah, at some point, the good doctor decided chemistry wasn’t doing it for him anymore, and wanted to go into the operating room. Then, he decided all the stuff he removed from his monstrous clients would make for delicious food products.

Not going to lie, the idea of “belly brew” legit made me sick. Like, I know it’s probably some sort of fruit punch or whatever, but the idea of giving someone the ol’ stomach pump, then drinking the stuff you just pumped out… Yeah, even I had my limits as a kid, and that was definitely it.

And that’s pretty much the toy line in review. Not going to lie, I’m still impressed that it lasted as long as it did. Some of it is probably a testament to how gross the male gender truly is at that age, but again, I think a lot of it was carried by Dr. Dreadful himself.

They’d reboot the Dr. Dreadful toy line in the 2010s, because of course they fucking did.

Unfortunately, gross toys exclusively for boys was a concept that didn’t fly in the 2010s. partly because grossout humor wasn’t cool anymore, and partly because of the previously mentioned modern take on gender. Probably. Hell, grown-ass men with no daughters or nieces were admitting to watching My Little Pony, and girls were getting into the Star Wars fandom. So yeah, that whole “toys for boys and toys for girls” thing wasn’t really flying anymore.

Furthermore, they recast Dr. Dreadful. Which I guess was unavoidable, but the new guy just didn’t have the same touch as John Kassir. I saw the newer commercials on YouTube, and… Well, I give him an A for effort. Sadly, it’s just not the same.

I couldn’t tell you if the Dr. Dreadful reboots sold well or not. If the pattern I’ve been observing is any indication, though, I’m going to guess no.

In the end, Dr. Dreadful was what it was: a toy for boys who enjoyed grossing people out. The only reason I remember it here in 2024, though, is for the commercials. Those commercials ought to be included in a masterclass on how to market, because god damn those are still fun to watch even now.