How About That Thing?

Okay, we need to talk. I know that I’ve absolutely gushed over Batman: The Animated Series over the last year or so. To the uninitiated, I’ve probably made it seem like this series was god’s gift to Batman, and that it’s positively untouchable. And, yeah, that is mostly true.

However, there is one thing that even BTAS just couldn’t make work. Again, this series could make a silly hat thief into a legendarily creepy proto-incel, a tacky diamond thief into an academy award winning anti-villain, and don’t even get me started on The Joker. But then we get to this guy.

Sorry not sorry, I fucking hate The Penguin. I didn’t like him in BTAS, I didn’t like him in The Batman, I didn’t like him in Tim Burton’s movies, I didn’t like him in the 1967 Batman (where he probably had the easiest time fitting in with the rest of the cringiness)… Admittedly, my MAX subscription expired last September, and apparently I have to boycott them now because of how they treat animation, so I haven’t seen The Penguin series yet. Really, I think the one time I ever LIKED The Penguin was in the series Gotham, but that really had less to do with him being a compelling character and more to do with everything else about that show being a little too goofy for my taste.

Try as I might, I just don’t like The Penguin. I can find positives in The Clock King, The Ventriloquist, and even Red Claw, for the one episode she appeared in, but I just can’t get into The Penguin for some reason. The umbrella gadgets are just… Silly. Also, despite a passing fascination with parrots back in 2012, I guess I’m just not as fascinated with birds as he is. I don’t know.

But for what it’s worth, there IS an episode of Batman: The Animated Series that featured the Penguin that I actually like. And since it’ll most likely be Valentine’s Day when this article goes live, I figured now would be a perfect time to talk about the one Penguin episode I liked. That episode, of course, being “Birds of a Feather.”

The episode begins in fourth gear, with a heist already in progress.

The Penguin swipes something priceless, and leaves this guy all tied up. Unfortunately, he doesn’t get very far because your friend and mine, Batman, shows up. An epic battle is fight, and…

Yeah, I suppose it was only a matter of time before we broke out the umbrella gadgets. We start out with the umbrella tommygun, as seen above, and the umbrella tear gas cannon in due course. I think that was supposed to be tear gas, anyway. Regardless, it all fails, and much like The Mad Hatter in last year’s article, the chandelier falls on him.

So The Penguin is arrested, Batman saves the day… Boy, this is a short episode.

Nah, I’m just kidding.

We fast forward to The Penguin being sprung from prison. Supposedly, he’s learned his lesson at long last, and has decided that crime doesn’t pay. Unfortunately, he also learns that a lot of his extravagant lifestyle isn’t waiting for him, either. We get our tee-hees as Penguin navigates the horrors of having to use the bus, having to come home to find none of his criminal pals are waiting for him… The biggest welcome home he gets is from Batman, who bets he won’t stay clean for long. Penguin scoffs a the notion… Then asks if Batman would like to stick around for a while. He even offers him some cappuccino. That used to be funny, but in adulthood, I found I’ve experienced that level of loneliness before. IE, when you’re so desperate for company that a cup of cappuccino with your worst enemy is still better than spending the night alone.

Meanwhile, we’re introduced to these two.

Have I mentioned that even this series’ 5s are perfect 10s?

Anyway, this is Veronica. She’s a billionaire, she’s probably got other qualities… And after a conversation with who I assume is either her husband, her butler, or just a random friend, she gets the idea to invite the newly reformed Penguin to what we poor people would call a “pig party”, but I guess the rich call a galah. I think. I might be getting my concepts mixed up here, but either way, this definitely won’t explode in anybody’s face in any way shape or form, hashtag=sarcasm.

She gives the Penguin a call. How she got his number in the first place… I guess rich people have those kind of connections. After all, The Penguin may be evil, but at least he’s not poor.

Either way, we see The Penguin answer his phone, and…

Okay, seriously? I realize the 90s were the technical dark ages for all you Gen-Z kids, what with car windows you had to crank down, JPEGs that took entire MINUTES to download, and video games that DIDN’T try to spend you into poverty with dumb shit designed to enable gambling addictions, but really? Even back in those days, that style of phone was museum fodder.

But hey, maybe this version of The Penguin was in to antiques. I legit don’t remember, but I’m just going to assume for now.

Anyway, Veronica and Penguin go out on a few dates, enjoy some squid strips… Excuse me, “calamari”. They go for an evening walk, they attend an opera where we get to see The Penguin singing The Clown’s Aria WAY off key…

FUN FACT: off key singing, as well as off key instrumentation is probably the easiest way to get a laugh out of me. It got me in trouble at a high school talent show, when I ended up laughing my ass off at a kid singing “What a Wonderful World” way off key (I think that’s what the song was, anyway). It’s also why I try to avoid playthroughs of that Trombone Hero game… But I digress.

In due course, we have to have a sequence involving these guys.

Ah, good old nameless goons. Good for making you look like the good guy. Especially when your method of fighting includes an umbrella sword.

I have to admit, of all the ridiculous umbrella devices The Penguin has, an umbrella sword seems the least silly. Hell, they make sword-canes to this very day, so why not a sword umbrella?

On the other hand, a whole other thought occurs to me. Wouldn’t these guys recognize The Penguin? Like, The Mad Hatter was one thing, since when it was HIM going through these motions, he wasn’t an established villain yet, but The Penguin? Surely, these guys would recognize someone like The Penguin and back off. Right?

But whatever. Batman shows up, savesVeronica… And promptly ties up Penguin, thinking the goons were with him. An understandable assumption on the surface, but Veronica stands up for her man, and Batman backs off. The fact Penguin refers to her as “his peach” really seems to puzzle him, but honestly, I’ve heard worse.

The party is held, and Penguin does what he can to socialize. And as you expect, and Veronica’s husband butler friend hopes, he makes an absolute ass of himself. Unfortunately, Penguin figures out that this whole thing is the billionaire equivalent of a pig party, and he’s the pig. And, to the shock of pretty much nobody, he says fuck it, an embraces the evil once again. All the while kidnapping the woman who deceived him, and making a getaway in the silliest manner possible.

Seriously, the umbrellacopter is probably the silliest of the umbrella gadgets I know of. how the hell does that thing even work? I have a hard time imagining that thing getting Penguin HIMSELF off the ground, let alone getting him anywhere NEAR one of his hideouts. Then add on the additional weight of a hostage, aand… HOW!?

Whatever.

We then cut to the police station where Veronica’s husband butler friend is basically being reminded that even when rich people play with fire, they get burned. Then this thing shows up.

Part of me wonders how the hell The Penguin managed to get a remote controlled bird into the commissioner’s office without someone noticing him standing there controlling it. After all, long distance drones are actually a bit of a fairly recent phenomenon, and the closest thing available to civilians in those days were those toy helicopters from Radio Shack that break the moment you play with them for longer than thirty minutes… But frankly, the goofy meter fell apart somewhere around the umbrellacopter, so I give up.

Attached to the bird is a ransom note, demanding one-million dollars. [INSERT DR. EVIL JOKE HERE]. And, most intriguing of all, he wants the husband butler friend to deliver it.

He follows the letter’s instructions to a phone booth, which is what people in the 90s used to make phone calls when out and about because cell phones weren’t the convenient pocket computers they are now, and not everybody had one. The Penguin gives him further instructions, and… He falls into the sewer. Before you start playing your sad trombone, though, it turns out this is the latest Penguin layer.

And it’s also here we see…

Veronica tries to reason with Penguin, but Penguin is pretty much done with veryone’s bullshit. And the sad thing is, I really can’t say I blame him. I mean yeah, taking hostages, stealing money, and killing said hostages despite promising to let them go is definitely evil, but if you found yourself at a pig party, and found out you were the pig, wouldn’t YOU want to do something similar? Maybe not this elaborate and cartoony, but something none the less. And if you seriously told me no with a straight face just now, then boy, you’re a better man than me.

Batman bursts in, the hostages are saved, and The Penguin throws a hissyfit very similar to the one he threw earlier in the episode, and we get credits.

Again, I’m far from the biggest penguin fan, but this episode right here was the closest I’ve ever come to sympathizing with him. True, The Mad Hatter was a much sadder story, but still, if this pig party never happened, maybe Penguin would’ve stayed on the straight and narrow. Or maybe he would’ve found another excuse to be evil three days later. Hard to say.

I myself have never been the pig at a pig party. Hell, I didn’t even know pig parties were a thing till I was in college, and thankfully, I never got invited to any. Still, though, the idea of being the odd duck that just wants a little companionship, and wants to reform despite the whole world seeming to not like you is a reality I’m all too familiar with. And I guess that’s what drew me to this episode much later in life.

Your opinion of The Penguin probably differs from mine, and that’s fine. However, this episode right here is the one time I will admit to liking a Penguin centric Batman story.