How About That Thing?

Today, we’re diving into what I assume is relatively obscure, and talking about Portal.

No, not THAT Portal… But I can definitely see how you got there..

No, I’m talking about THIS portal.

If you’ve never heard of this show… Yeah, I don’t blame you. Allow me to explain.

In 2002, there was this TV network by the name of G4TV. Perhaps you’ve heard of it in one form or another, but in 2002, it was a fledgling network that did its best to cater to gamers with video game related programming.

I used to love this channel. Of course, back then, I also used to love gaming as a whole. Then the 2010s came around, and things like lootbox gaming, pay-to-win gameplay, and the paradoxical duality of Anita Sarkisian and the incel community came along and ruined it for practically everybody. But I digress.

G4TV had several gamer-centric programs… And upon retrospect, only two or three of them were really any good.

Filter was the TV equivalent of a Watch Mojo list… Though I confess it had less to do with being addicted to top 10 lists, and more to do with having a crush on Dianne Misota.

Judgment Day was a review show hosted by Victor and Tommy, and I loved their dynamic almost as much as I loved the reviews.

Blister was… A show. I don’t remember what its gimmick was anymore, but I remember liking the host.

The rest, while not the worst, didn’t really appeal to me.

But then, there was Portal. Ladies and Gentlemen, I say this with no hyperbole or exaggeration when I say portal was the single best show on that entire network.

To be fair, I wasn’t sold on it instantly. I even remember finding it to be… Well… Kind of tacky, really. Like, you could DEFINITELY tell that this show was shot on a budget. I mean yeah, G4TV as a whole was on a budget, but for what they wanted to do with this show, the lack of budget was definitely visible here. And consider that I, a man with one functioning eye that’s seen better days, is pointing this out.

It also didn’t help that when I first discovered Portal, I was starting in the middle. Once Portal established its continuity, it quickly became a show that wasn’t for beginners. If you showed up on episode 20 or 21 like I apparently did, you were going to be lost.

Somehow, I was eventually able to see the beginning of the story arc that was going on, and while I still wasn’t ESPECIALLY familiar with who was who, I at least had a better idea.

There are a LOT of characters, and several storylines to keep track of as the series unfolds. So for now, let’s just focus on the most important ones. For example…

This is Dave. Alongside Val, a retrofuturistic Siri or Google Assistant like virtual being, he hosts the show, gives us exposition, and ends up becoming the hero of the series in later episodes. He’s a charming little guy who’s doing the best with the material he’s been given, and god help us all, he manages to pull it off.

This man is known simply as The Drifter. Sometimes, he has a sword. Sometimes, he has a laser gun. Regardless, he’s the toughest man in the entire multiverse. He’s so tough, “Badass” by Saliva would be playing in the background of every scene he’s in, had that song come out around that time.

Dave, The Drifter, and other heroes all do what they can to foil the plans of several villains, including, but not limited to, The Ultimate. I’d include a picture of The Ultimate right here, but the thing about him is that he has no physical form. He can possess bodies, and take advantage of their special abilities, like Zatrion’s self-destruct function that can turn an entire city into a glass parking lot, or a random ventriloquist dummy’s ability to talk without moving its mouth at any point.

In universe, Portal is a transdimensional transmission that talks about current events within the multiverse. That’s right, bitches, Portal was doing the multiverse before everybody else decided it was cool.

In reality, Portal was a showcase of MMORPGs of the time. Most of which probably don’t even function, or even exist anymore. I know for sure The Sims Online, and Star Wars Galaxies are no longer supported, outside of some fan servers. Come to think of it, the only MMO that was featured on this show that’s still around to this very day is probably Second Life. Even then, I’m not one-hundred percent sure. But I digress.

Early episodes were just showcases of MMOs and all the things you could do, which ones would become available shortly, and so on. As things became more soap opera like, though, a lot of these segments showing off aspects of virtual worlds would be disguised as part of the plot, or would just be gotten rid of altogether.

Suffice to say, a generous amount of the humor found in this show has aged like milk. For Example, The Alligator Tamer, Tyko Paxton, The Attrocious Mr. Green… Give me a day to marathon the more than two episodes at a time, and I could point everything out. However, I actually have a life. As well as a one-year-old who’s figured out how to walk, so… Yeah.

In conclusion: G4TV’s Portal is a machinema soap opera with a low budget, a sense of humor that’s dated at best, and shows off MMORPGs that possibly don’t even exist anymore. And yet, despite all its imperfections, and despite the fact Father Time kicked this show’s ass, I still love it. Maybe it’s nostalgia, maybe it’s the fact the show has charm despite itself… All I know is watched this thing more than anything else on G4TV, and I actively went out of my way to favorite a playlist on YouTube that archived most of the important episodes.

I do recommend people look for this show and give it a watch.