How About That Thing?

The 2000s was a bit of a golden age for anime. Anime of all genres and demographics found its way onto American television, studios who wanted their show to be popular adopted the anime art style with varying degrees of success, and the debate of sub VS dub was at its all-time most heated. It also helped that the dubbing in 2000s anime had stepped up in quality, depending on which studio you were looking at.

I myself was even on the otaku band wagon. In many ways, I still am, though here in 2025, I admit my enthusiasm has died down somewhat. I had a lot of favorite shows, an the literal crate full of DVD boxsets is testament to that. However, one anime I hold in particularly high regard is the subject of today’s article: a little number by the name of Hellsing.

As of 2025, there’s actually TWO versions of the series. There’s the original Hellsing, and there’s Hellsing Ultimate. The original Hellsing is thirteen episodes long, and the show runners ran out of source material to adapt somewhere around episode seven, and had to pull something out of their ass in order to compensate. Hellsing Ultimate is about the same length, and was significantly more faithful to the source material… And yet, I can’t bring myself to like Hellsing Ultimate despite it. The vast majority of Hellsing fans gravitate to Ultimate, and tout its superiority… But I just can’t join in.

For starters, while the big reveal of the big bad in the original might not have been great, I’d still take Incognito over fucking Nazis any day. I seriously watched episode four of Ultimate, and somehow, the idea that the shadow organization being behind everything being Nazis felt… Tacky. Dare I say, stupid, even. And let’s face it, regardless of which version you’re watching, Hellsing isn’t really what I’d call Shakespear. Hell, I wouldn’t even say it’s Schwarzeneger!

True, Nazis had yet to become the played out, boring, overdone antagonists they’d become in the 2010s or the 2020s. Furthermore, none of them had Trump hair, and none of them were declaring they were going to make [INSERT CIVILIZATION HERE] great again in an act of symbolism so blatant that it makes The Platform look subtle. But at the same time, this felt like such a lame reveal.

Not to mention Hellsing Ultimate fell into the trapping of not being able to decide if it wanted to be dead serious, or goofy. There would be serious story telling that was designed to get you pumped up and ready for bang bang shootemup goodness… Only to have a moment where Integra has a silly moment with Seras in regards to finding another gray hair come along, undercut the seriousness, and kill the fucking mood entirely. I fucking hate it when anime does this. It was my biggest peeve with shows like Fullmetal Alchemist, and it ended up being another peeve of mine regarding Hellsing Ultimate.

Suffice to say, I definitely prefer the original anime. For all its faults and imperfections, I just can’t bring myself to abandon it for the supposed superior version. If not for all the reasons I already stated, then because the original makes up a generous chunk of my high school nostalgia, and I’ll always treasure my time with it.

That being said, out of the entire thirteen-episode run, there was one episode that felt… Off. Like, we took a break from all of this hard-hitting bang bang vampire hunting action to bring you this very important message. And it just feels weird compared to the rest of the series.

I refer, of course, to episode 4: Innocent as a Human.

The episode begins, and I’m already reminded of the glorious opening theme. It’s very indie film in its quirky, borderline unfitting nature, and I love every minute of it.

The episode begins proper, and we’re greeted with this.

Yeah, it’s never a good thing when the website you’re trying to access requires a password. I’m not talking logging in to an account on a message board, or a social networking platform, either. I’m talking about needing a password to access the ACTUAL WEBSITE ITSELF. Usually, you’d have to get these passwords from someone in the know, and these were people you really didn’t want to know.

And keep in mind, this was early 2000s internet. Back before the darkweb was a thing, and sites like Ogrish.com were out in the open. And you didn’t need a password just to get into Ogrish, so imagine how awful the content is if you DO need a password.

Someone enters the password, and we’re greeted with a snuff film. IE, a video of someone being murdered on camera. But not just any old rando, either. An individual wearing the Hellsing coat of arms on his uniform!

We then cut to the latest Hellsing operation currently in progress. Here, we get reacquainted with the core cast, as well as a new face.

First up, we have Seras Victoria. Some would say she’s the main character of Hellsing, primarily because most of the series focuses on her adapting to life as a vampire working to slay other vampires. There’s never really a question of ethics regarding slaying your own kind, or any implied racism, because it was the 2000s, and we were allowed to have mindless fun without every fucking thing turning into a god damn TED talk about how much white people suck. Also, she’s really only been vampiric for about a couple weeks at this point. Kind of hard to get into that territory when you’re still getting used to ideas like drinking blood, and avoiding the sun.

This is Stedler. He’s apparently the new guy in the organization, and he’s in charge of the squadron Seras happens to be part of. And he immediately makes a very lousy first impression by acting like a pig towards Seras the entire time. Like, he doesn’t even pace himself or anything. The moment he appears on screen, he takes one look at Seras, and begins his onslaught of comments that’d probably get him canceled in 2025 six times over. An despite the bad impression my previous remarks may have given you, I’d say this dude would definitely deserve ccancelation. But this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Integra: the leader of the Hellsing organization, is kept in the loop regarding the operation. However, shortly after the report from her general, her presence is requested by Walter: her butler.

Walter shows her the same snuff film we were shown at the very beginning of the episode. As it plays, he explains what a snuff film is in a manner that feels kind of stilted. Like, we can pick up context clues of what a snuff film is by watching the computer monitor, dude. Integra compounds this by stating how these sorts of films used to circulate underground via VHS, but have since found a way to be distributed on the internet. And it’s right about here I have to wonder: did I accidentally stumble into a really dark educational show? This dialogue feels unnatural, even for an early 2000s dub!

And then, we get to see the man, the myth, the legend himself.

Behold the majesty of Alucard: Hellsing’s pet vampire. Voiced in the English dub by Krispin Friedman. No joke, I could listen to Krispin Friedman read the most boring article on Wikipedia, his voice is so epic. He’s definitely on my Mount Rushmore of voice actors, right between Tony Jay and Kevin Conroy.

Alucard expresses having no interest in this whole snuff film lecture, and instead asks Walter to make him a cooler gun. The one he has is already pretty badass, but he wants something… Badasser?

Shortly after he takes his leave, however, A discovery is made. Hellsing’s latest assignment is being streamed!

No one is exactly sure how this is all being put together yet, but somehow, the stream of Hellsing’s latest operation is being brodcast on the news. But not for long.

Meanwhile, as Seras and company clean out the building, she can’t help but notice Stedler seems to know where the vampire is already. Something is askew around here. But what?

Later, the anchorwoman is brought in and thoroughly bitched out for her attempt at exposing Hellsing. Not because Hellsing is an organization that needs to remain a secret, but rather…

“I know reality television is popular right now, but vampires? We’re not The Sun! What’s next, aliens?”

On one hand, I have no idea what The Sun is. I didn’t know back then, and I don’t now, either. I’m guessing it’s some sort of tabloid publication, based on context clues. Like, maybe it’s the British equivalent of The National Inquirer or something.

Despite being thoroughly bitched out, our anchorwoman doesn’t seem deterred. She goes on a tangent about how she feels snuff films shouldn’t be criminalized because people WANT to watch other people die, and that enjoying such content doesn’t make you a bad person on the grounds you’re just spectating. Which… No. A thousand times no. I don’t think there’s enough room in your average WordPress blogpost to explain the metric tons of wrong that is.

Meanwhile, Seras tries to investigate the mystery of how this all happened. Unfortunately, Hellsing is a combat military organization, and there’s a different organization for investigations. So she heads to a bar, and orders a tomato juice. Well, to each their own, I guess. But in the process, all the pieces of the puzzle suddenly fall into place!

Meanwhile, this is happening.

They don’t really give either of these characters a name, but that doesn’t matter. Hellsing cuts off the feed, and Alucard shows up and does Alucard things to the vampire. And in the process manages to destroy the two-way mirror to reveal…

Yip, it turned out that Stedler and the anchorwoman were in on the whole thing! Stedler gets taken away by his fellow soldiers, and I suspect a dishonorable discharge is in order. But then there’s the anchorwoman. According to Integra, what she’s done goes beyond the laws of man.

Cue a very long, drawn out sequence of said woman becoming vampire food for Alucard. Like, they really don’t pull punches here, either. The people writing this episode are practically delighting in this. Suddenly, I’m having a much easier time believing the guy who wrote the manga used to draw porn.

A common criticism I see of this episode is that the woman gets munched, but her companion basically gets off with a dishonorable discharge. To them, this doesn’t seem all that fair… And I agree. Both of them really ought to have become vampire food.

Well, maybe the blood Seras drinks at the end of the episode came from him. Yeah, let’s just pretend that was the case.

Oh yeah, that’s probably an important plot point, isn’t it? The sight of the anchorwoman getting nibbled on is so captivating to Seras that she finally breaks her vow to never drink blood, and she begins devouring a pack of transfusion blood. It’s significant in her character development… Although I have to wonder why she’s eating it like soup. I can understand not wanting to drink from a pouch, as someone who hated those little juice drinks that came in pouches with the little straw and what not, but dude, just chug it! I know you’re British, but you’re literally the only one in the room! I won’t tell anyone if you don’t.

Outside of this final moment, where Seras finally gives up and drinks blood for the first time, though, this episode felt unnecessary. Like, I know they had thirteen episodes to fill, but instead of beating us over the head with the “snuff films are bad!” moral they were clearly going for, they probably could’ve just given us The Valentine Brothers two-parter early, and they’d have a whole other episode to play with. Maybe they could put that free episode at the end, and give the shadow organization more of a spotlight than they did.

Then again, knowing what I know about Hellsing NOW, the big reveal would just end up being Nazis. So maybe that isn’t such a great idea after all.

Still, though, as I go through the entirety of the original Hellsing Anime for, like, the billionth time, this episode continues to stick out like a sore thumb to me. Maybe here and now, in 2025, I’ve become twisted up and conditioned to seek out obnoxiously unsubtle attempts at allegories where none actually exist. You’d be in similar shape if every other form of media you consumed spent the majority of his first term reminding you how much we all hate Donald Trump. Even before this conditioning, though, I always felt like someone on the writing staff had a point they wanted to make, and felt like the mindless shooty show with vampires was a great place to put it.

Either way, it’s an awkward little number in an anime that I otherwise absolutely love to this very day, and I finally had a chance to talk about it. Maybe I’m on to something, maybe I’m delusional. Either way, it’s out of my system.

And hey, if anime ends up being a popular topic on here, maybe I’ll write more about it. Time will tell, I guess.