How About That Thing?

This is Gillian McKeith. She’s a nutritionist from The UK… And upon researching McKeith HERSELF, I find that a lot of people have disputed her credibility as such. After all, the university that gave her her certification was from Alabama. Name one good thing that came out of Alabama. And no, “Sweet Home Alabama” doesn’t count. But I digress.

McKeith is most well-known for hosting the 2000’s reality TV series, You Are What You Eat. It ran from 2004 to 2006 in The UK, and I distinctly remember us yanks getting it somewhere around 2007 when all the writer’s went on strike, and reality TV ended up exploding as a result. The thing I remember for sure was that my mom and I used to watch this show all the time, back when it was on. And while I can’t vouch for my mom, I’m pretty sure I watched it for the wrong reasons.

In You Are What You Eat, Gillian McKeith comes to the houses of random fat people, and basically bitches them out for being fat. I really wish I was exaggerating, too. After looking up several clips on YouTube, I can say that this is definitely an accurate description.

A popular feature of the show was McKeith collecting all the food the fatty in question would consume in one week, pile it up on a table somewhere, and take the fatty into the room to show it to them in hopes of them giving them a little perspective. Some of these displays were so massive, they didn’t even fit on the table! And do keep in mind, this was usually the diet of ONE PERSON!

And then, of course, there was the infamous gathering of the poo samples. McKeith would make the fatty in question shit in a bag, then analyze it in her lab somewhere. I think. Maybe she had some sort of equipment for analyzing one’s deuces, or maybe it was just another excuse to berate the fatty in question. I can distinctly remember her complaining about the odor of one particular client’s poo sample, and all I could think was: “Well yeah, it’s shit! Of course it’s going to stink!”

I distinctly remember one episode where she brought the fatty in question to a mockup of what would most likely be their grave if they didn’t stop their habits right now.

Suffice to say, McKeith was not sympathetic at best, and kind of bitchy at worst. Then again, consider her clientele. These were people who’d eat a psychotic amount of chocolate despite being allergic to it, or drink practically their own weight in logger, etc. These were people who weren’t going to change on their own. Maybe they tried and failed with a nicer dietician, or maybe they’re just too stubborn to change their ways on their own. To put it bluntly, these were people who NEEDED a swift kick in their ginormous asses.

Not going to lie, McKeith seems like the kind of person who would’ve been eaten alive in the present day. Hell, even in the 2000s, a decade where we were all dicks to one another on the regular, she wasn’t looked upon with a lot of favor, I find out. So what was it about this show that I enjoyed watching?

It certainly wasn’t for any advice on how to lose weight. Otherwise, I probably wouldn’t have GAINED twenty pounds a year later. It wasn’t because it was the only thing on TV, and streaming services that let you watch whatever you wanted whenever you wanted were still a bit of a pipedream at the time, either, because there were plenty of other shows on at the same time I probably would’ve watched otherwise. Hell, it wasn’t even because I thought McKeith was hot! I mean yeah, I could listen to just about ANY woman with an Irish accent read the phone book… But still…

No sir, I think there’s one thing that kept me coming back for more. And sadly, I’m afraid to say that it was good old schadenfreude.

I know, I know. No amount of “it was the 2000s!” probably justifies it, but man, I really enjoyed knowing that there were people out there that put all of MY bad habits into perspective. I was a college kid when this show was making the rounds. My diet consisted mostly of pizza, Johnny Walker and Coke, and Hot Pockets, but at least I wasn’t ol’ Fatty MacIntyr over there on the TV screen. Fuck, man, that guy probably ate more pizza in a week than I did in a month!

That’s kind of what reality TV was back then: bloodsucking hollywood execs dishing out a heaping helping of schadenfreude to their TV audiences. Sure, you COULD make the argument that they were trying to be inspirational… And maybe more MODERN reality TV shows go in this direction. But in the 2000s, we were all assholes, and there was nothing we loved more than being petty and/or vindictive. If our laughter resulted in the subject committing suicide, oh well. It was his own fault for being stupid on camera in the first place.

I’ve heard through the grapevine they attempted to reboot You Are What You Eat in 2022. Sadly, McKeith wasn’t involved… And I’m guessing that’s why it didn’t last very long. Partly because bringing back a popular TV show with a different host is never the best idea… But mostly Because it was a relic of the 2000s. It wasn’t designed to make people feel inspired to change their ways. It was designed for assholes who wanted to see some Irish woman slap a fat guy on the belly, make snide comments about their lifestyle, and give you a reason to say to yourself: “Thank god I’m not that guy.”