How About That Thing?

When I was a kid, I loved LEGO. I didn’t have many of the sets, but I did have a ginormous bucket of LEGO bricks. I built everything from cars, to spaceships, to robots… Admittedly, you had to use your imagination when it came to the robots. Not to mention I was one of those kids who regularly pretended LEGO bricks were people and used the unlimitted power of imagination to take them on adventures. Because that’s what you do when you’re dirt poor. OR when you’re an idiot who spends all of his allowance on game rentals and comic books, and doesn’t realize LEGO people are a thing until you’re too old for LEGO… But I digress.

So naturally, my parents assumed I’d get a kick out of LEGO Island. And to their credit, I can actually see how they came to this conclusion. Hell, even I myself was curious. A whole island made of LEGO? An island where I can build and roam free? Fuck yeah! Sign me up!

It didn’t really occur to anybody that particular Birthday… Or maybe it was Christmas? I distinctly remember it being a gift on one of those occasions, and I remember realizing all too late that this game might have been developed for someone younger than eleven.

Despite the incredibly awkward sense of humor, though, it really wasn’t as bad as I thought once I realized what I was getting into. Sure, characters regularly stumble and bumble around like idiots, spouting out stuff that’d probably be funnier if I was, like, five or six years younger. However, a lot of the actual gameplay wasn’t terrible.

Right out the gate, you’re introduced to this guy.

This obnoxious little guy is, and I swear I’m not kidding, The Infomaniac. I’m genuinely amazed they got away with that pun, upon retrospect.

The Infomaniac says hello in dozens of random languages, including English, Spanish, Japanese, Hawaiian, and skateboarder, just to name a few. Then, you’re prompted to sign “The big blue brick book”.

“You know, I don’t tell everybody this, but here’s what you do.”

My first reaction to that statement right there: Wow, really? You don’t tell everyone how to use the big blue brick book that guarantees you access to a LEGO eutopia? What an elitist little prick!

My second reaction to that statement: yeah, you don’t tell everybody this because most people aren’t brick stupid (no pun intended). What kind of idiot doesn’t know how to sign a guestbook? I mean yeah, we’re giving Gen-Z all the shit in the world for not learning cursive, but even then, they can sign their name. SURELY! Although this is also the generation that gave us The Tide Pod Challenge, and the second coming of Nickelback, so…

Oh whatever.

Once you’re done signing your name, or clicking one of the names on the righthand window to resume where you left off, the adventure begins. And honestly… It’s amazing how much freedom they give you. You just walk out of the info center, and go wherever you want!

Want to build a race car, go right ahead! Want to challenge Studs Lincoln to a race? Go right ahead. Want to skateboard around town and deliver pizzas? Be my guest! There’s really no objective to the game, and I think that’s what kept me around so long.

Granted, the titular island isn’t the biggest open world ever made. Hell, my old hometown out in the middle of the wheat fields of Kansas was probably bigger than this place. But at the same time, it’s still fun to look around.

You can choose from one of five characters: Officer Nick, Officer Laura, Pepper, Mama Brickolini, and Papa Brickolini. Each one comes with their own introduction video… And I have to confess, the one time I legitimately laughed at something this game threw at me came from Mama Brickolini’s intro video.

“We asked what brought Mama Brickolini to LEGO Island, and she told us…”

“The boat, Silly.”

I have no idea why, but that still cracks me up.

You can choose from any of the five characters, and switch between them in the info center at any point… Although you’ll probably end up playing as Pepper in order to get to the meat and potatoes of the game.

The only thing the game really discourages you from is having any sort of interaction with this guy.

This bad dude right here is The Brickster. Without a shadow of a doubt, he is the single most evil person on LEGO Island. He’s been charged with an infinite amount of LEGOcides, assault and brickery, brickslaughter… Uh… Bricking in entering… Uh… Okay, those are the only dumb LEGO puns I can think of at the moment. But yeah, name a crime, and The Brickster’s probably done it at least once.

But The Brickster’s real ambition, above all else, is to take the entirety of LEGO Island apart, and build it in his image. You know, that thing that YOU could do, according to the advertising material, but it’s okay when YOU do it. After all, you’re an innocent kid! You certainly never had LEGO people fight to the death for your amusement, and pull each other’s heads and torsos off in a gruesome display of childhood sociopathy. You’ve never made LEGO people have sex, then post the videos to PornHub for several equally perverted weirdos to beat off to. So it’s okay when YOU take everything apart, put it back together, and appoint yourself supreme ruler.

Oi, the sarcasm kills me inside.

So yeah, don’t associate with The Brickster. And don’t deliver pizza to The Brickster while the helicopter is docked. Otherwise, he’ll use the heat from the pizza to melt the bars of his prison, highjack the helicopter, and highjack The Infomaniac’s power brick. How does a plastic LEGO pizza melt bars made of the exact same substance? Through the mystical magical power of shut up and enjoy the fucking game, idiot!

I admit, the first time I let The Brickster out, I wasn’t expecting the stakes to suddenly skyrocket. Like, yeah, you obviously have to catch the guy, but I never imagined there was a scenario where you could actually fail. So imagine my surprise when I spend my time half-heartedly chasing this guy after he steals the ambulance, thinking, “Oh, whatever. This game is going to make it easy and…” But nope. I suddenly got the game over screen where everybody is reduced to tears, and The Brickster stands tall as the new Infomaniac. Yip, you can actually fail at this game, and there are actual consequences for failure.

Well, until The Infomaniac basically undoes all the damage done via the power of bullshit, and you can try again. Yeah, that kind of cheapens the doomsday scenario you ended up creating by not buckling down and making catching The Brickster a higher priority.

All and all, for what it is, LEGO Island really isn’t that bad. It isn’t quite what I had in mind, though.

You can build a few vehicles, and have some fun around the island, but if you were hoping for a world where you could build whatever you wanted… Well, prepare to be disappointed. The game tells you that you can remodel the bank, and a store, but when you click on the building in question like they tell you to, it just bounces or spins like all the other buildings that don’t have an activity associated with them.

In this regard, LEGO Island was definitely a letdown. However, I still ended up getting way more out of this game than even I thought I would, upon retrospect.

There isn’t really much else I can think of to say. It was simple, it was pretty 90sriffic at times, and the humor was pretty bad… But I ended up loving this game more than I thought I would. To this very day, LEGO Island holds a special spot in my heart. Which is definitely more than I can say for the sequel.