How About That Thing?

Ah, The Sims. If ever there was a franchise that ended up being more successful than it has any right to be, it’s definitely this. Seriously, a game that is a simulation of day to day life? In the 2000s, such a thing seemed absolutely absurd. Maybe even idiotic. Maybe… Well, technically, we’re not allowed to use “the R-word” anymore, but back then, I’m pretty sure I referred to this idea with that very word. I’m not proud of that, but that’s just how we were back then.

And then I played it.

Well, technically, I played the PS2 version of The Sims. True, they definitely had to make a concession or two. IE, The PS2, and consoles in general (to my knowledge) aren’t really compatible with computer mice, so the in-game curser had to be something manageable to us big bad unevolved console gamer types who don’t want to build an entire fucking computer from the ground up just to play one fucking game… Or at least that’s been MY experience with PC gaming. Either way, I digress.

Regardless, I played the console version of The Sims for PlayStation2, and… In defiance of logic, I actually enjoyed myself quite a bit. You really wouldn’t think a game that simulates real life could be as addictive as this, but there I was.

Sure, in the beginning, I did all the immature stuff every Sims player probably did when they first picked up the game.

• I burned the house down.
• I electricuted my sims.
• I made the two girl roommates lesbians and kiss each other a lot.
• I trapped sims in rooms with no doors or windows and forced them to starve to death.
• I let sims drown in the swimming pool.
• I let millitary school repossess my sim family’s kid (although that one wasn’t on purpose, believe it or not.)

I could go on, but really, anybody who’s played The Sims for even five minutes has done all of this and maybe more. Hell, if you have the PC version, you probably modded the crap out of the base game and gave your sims the ability to murder and have sex with each other. Because while we don’t want to admit it, we’re all sick fucks who let morbid curiosity get the better of us on occasion. The only difference is that some of us, for whatever reason, develop some degree of affection for these little virtual people somewhere down the line, and actually want them to live the best virtual life.

By the time everything was said and done, I was hooked. Really, the only complaint I had was less about the game itself, and more about the limitations of console gaming. Specifically, how none of the expansion packs were available for consoles, and DLC wouldn’t become a thing till PlayStation3 was the standard. So us console gamers really had to just make do with what we had.

And then, 2003 happened. And we got this.

NOTE: yes, I’m aware that this is the Xbox art.

The Sims: Bustin’ Out was a console-exclusive version of The Sims that promised a lot of things. Specifically, the ability to travel to other sims’ houses (which was a new concept back then), and on-line gameplay.

Somewhere around the middle of the PS2’s lifespan, Sony came out with an on-line adaptor you could attach to your PS2.. Once the adaptor was screwed in, you just needed an ethernet cable to plug into it, and you were on-line. Oh yeah, Wi-Fi wasn’t really a thing in 2004, so we had to depend on cables. It was still better than the dark age of dialup modems that occupied the phone line, and JPEGs taking entire minutes to download, but things like the iPhone wouldn’t exist for at least another two years, and things like wireless keyboards were somewhere between fun little novelty and luxury item at best.

The Sims: Bustin’ Out’s “On-line weekend mode” was where you could invite another player over to your sim’s place, or a player could invite you to their sim’s place. There, you had two in-game days to pal around, trade unlockables, and harass the NPCs if you so chose. It was a fun little novelty that I actually got a generous amount of mileage out of. I also ended up with a lot of the other players bitching me out at one point.

PRO TIP: If you’re a male player, never play a female sim. I imagine it’s just as unforgiving the other way around, but I can’t guarantee it one way or another. Either way, this was a lesson I ended up learning the hard way. doing so nine times out of ten resulted in the player calling you a [BUNDLE OF STICKS], and ending the game abruptly.

Strangely, being a white player playing a black sim didn’t seem to provoke anyone and get you labeled a racist. I even gave my sim an afro on that particular go-around, and dudes were fine. Then again, 2004 was a much different time. I remember trying that shit in 2013, and it resulted in players absolutely refusing to play with me, and calling me a racist-ass honky, among other things.

The on-line experience, overall, was a mixed bag. And really, that had nothing to do with the game itself, and everything to do with how seriously the other player was willing to take it. You had players who were willing to play the game, you had others who let their sim run on autopilot and just wanted to chat, and you had assholes who harassed your sim and called you every imaginable slur in the book over the chat. Getting a headset relieved the burden of having to type with a controller (I didn’t have a USB keyboard at the time), but then you found out most of the troll players were eight-year-olds who probably needed more supervision than they were getting.

Sadly, but understandably, the on-line mode was discontinued in 2008. Unless someone rigged up a server of their own, this feature from 2008 onward has been made unavailable.

Luckily, there are two other modes of play that are still accessible. And really, I probably got more use out of them than anything to do with the on-line platform.

The first mode is free play, which is basically just the original Sims game. Build a house, move Sims in, and either micromanage every aspect of their day-to-day lives, or let the game run on autopilot and watch them figure it out for themselves. You’re given three lots to choose from… But you may want to get rid of the two preexisting houses and sim families if you want to do more than play on Lot C the entire time.

And then, there’s Bust Out mode. This is where a lot of the meat and taters of the game is. You create a sim, and after a quick little tutorial, you’re thrown into the world of The Sims: Bustin’ Out. And the first thing you’re greeted with is this asshole.

This is Malcolm Landgrabb. He’s the villain of The Sims: Bustin’ Out. Just looking at this image, and at game footage on YouTube, I’m reminded that this was a product of the early-to-mid 2000s. Particularly in the fact that the villain is NOT an allegory for that Cheeto-colored subhuman Donald Trump, And IS an allegory for George W. Bush: brainless idiot, and, depending on who you talk to, a war criminal who got away with sending thousands to die in the desert for “weapons of mass destruction” that didn’t exist, all in the name of big oil and the neoconservative agenda to purge the middle east of Muslims so Jesus won’t be pissed when he comes back. Such a simpler time.

Anyway, the object of Bust Out mode is to not only live your sim’s day-to-day life, but in the process, replace the items Malcolm repossesses at the beginning of each stage. You’re given a list of objectives to complete, which usually boil down to working on a personality trait, get a promotion at your job, make friends with the people you’re living with, etc. With every completed list of objectives, you’re granted permission to move out of one living space, and into another. And where you end up depends entirely on which job you pick in stage 1.

You start off living at your mom’s house, with nothing to your name but a dorky little scooter. Once you complete the first list of objectives, though, you move in with either Dudley, or with Mimi, and get a jalopy of a car. Then, you complete another list of objectives, and move on to the next house. And, depending on how you did, you’re either rewarded with some extra cash, or the people you live with accuse you of being a freeloader and you end up losing money. This is why it’s a good idea to do ALL the things on the list instead of just the essentials.

Ultimately, you move in to Malcolm’s mansion, just in time to watch him get evicted. Complete one last set of objectives, and you end up becoming the richest sim in… Uh… Sim world. Or whatever.

There’s no time table involved in completing any objectives. Hell, if you prefer living in the gothic castle, or the science laboratory, or the government building that’s TOTALLY not The Pentagon, you could just stay there the entire time and never move. Hell, if the bills get to be too expensive for your sim, you can even move back in with sims from previous stages! It’s really up to you.

I have a lot of fond memories of playing this game in my down time: managing sim lives, listening to Adema on my CD player, lamenting my virginity while being completely oblivious to it all being self-inflicted… Good times.

But my favorite part of this entire game, undisputedly, is the radio. Specifically, the metal station. Ladies and gentlemen, sim metal is hands down the most glorious thing ever invented. The only thing that made it even better was moving in to the dance club, and making every sim at that particular party dance to what I can only assume is the sim equivalent of Dimmu Borgir.

I don’t usually go out of my way to do things like this, because I believe you should do your own fucking homework instead of taking my experiences as gospel, but I have to share sim metal with the world. Luckily, someone put together a playlist.

Technically, some of the songs on this playlist come from The Sims 2, which would come out a year or two later.

And speaking of The Sims 2, that was the point when I pretty much dropped out of the fandom for a while. I came back when The Sims 3 came around, but for a while, I was convinced that the lifespan feature had ruined the game forever. I’ve long since changed my mind about that, having played The Sims 3, and actually finding the lifespan option to be pretty great.

Regardless of how I feel about The Sims franchise here and now, Bustin Out will always occupy a little corner of my nostalgia. Whether it be evicting the rich asshole from his mansion, making sim versions of the characters from The House of 1000 Corpses (as best as the creation engine would allow, anyway), and harassing and getting harassed on-line when that feature actually worked, Bustin’ Out is a game I’ll never forget.