How About That Thing?

It’s the 90s, it’s summer, and frozen treats are in high demand. And there was a good chance you saw commercials for Popsickle Zone.

Yes, Popsickle Zone. Or maybe it’s just Popsickles? Even today, I’ve never been entirely sure. I just know that they were made by a company by the name of Good Humor.

It turns out there were all sorts of these frozen little goodies out there. Some of which I didn’t even become familiar with until the advent of YouTube. The ones I distinctly remember are…

As a kid, I was genuinely fascinated in how you made such a popsickle. As an adult… I’m still a bit curious, but I think I have some degree of an idea. It probably has to do with freezing one layer, then freezing another over it, and so on… But that’s just an educated guess.

All I know for sure is that the more you lick it, the more it changes colors. And according to the commercial, it sends those who lick it into psychedelic fits. In fact, watching the commercial as an adult, I’m starting to wonder if there’s acid in these popsickles.

Fantastic Fruity is another one that intrigued me. Largely because I wondered out loud how they got all the colors to stack like that. And does each color actually have its own flavor? The commercial assures the viewer that it has five “real fruit flavors”, but the term “real fruit flavor” was used pretty liberally back then.

Also, the guy who tried to eat one in the commercial became so enamored with it that it melted before he could get more than a lick and a half in. Again, are these things made with acid?

Oh, and something something hack punchline about woke because popsickle is rainbow. Whatever. Next!

Sherbert Cyclone would come to my neck of the woods a year later. This was also the point where they stopped being Popsickles, and started calling themselves Popsickle Zone. As a kid, I wasn’t sure if the thing came in multiple flavors, or if the lemon lime, and raspberry orange were all twisted together into one pop. Watching the commercial again, and actually paying attention to something other than the acid trip on screen, I think it’s just multiple varieties.

Also, if you lick one, you turn into a human cyclone, apparently. Perhaps a little on the nose, but it sounds better than some of the bizarre psychedelic fits past commercials showcased.

The last one I remember seeing in real time was Starship. I have no idea what the gimmick was for this one. I guess it was someone trying to make the classic bomb pop more appealing to that extreme 90s demographic? Or trekkies. They were around too, after all.

All I know for sure is licking one turns your house into a spaceship, according to the commercial. Keeping that in mind, it’s amazing I never ran out to the store and got one. I loved space as a kid. I love space OPERA as an adult.

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So those are the ones I remember off hand. It turns out several other popsickles, and even a couple of ice creams were available in other parts of the country. And commercials for those were just as bizarre as the ones I was familiar with from my childhood.

But how were the actual popsickles? Were they delicious? Were they repulsive? Were they the ultimate definition of mid?

The answer: fuck if I know! I never actually had any of these at any point in my life ever. And strangely, it wasn’t because they were banned from the house by my mom, like so many other things that made varying degrees of sense. I’m sure if I actually saved up my money, instead of renting video games or buying the occasional Spiderman comic, I could’ve convinced my mom to let me go into the frozen food aisle and pick out a box.

I never got to try any of these because, for whatever reason, they were never in stock. As a kid, I lived out in the middle of nowhere, also known as Western Kansas. My town had a brand total of ONE grocery store, and it NEVER had the Popsickles, or Popsickle Zone brand of popsickles anywhere. And of all the reasons my mom would drive half an hour into Hays for, getting a potentially overpriced, potentially overrated brand of fucking popsickles wasn’t one of them.

We eventually moved out of that failing oil town… but by that point, the commercials were gone. I guess Good Humor either closed their doors, or got eaten by one of the big leaguers like Nabisco or Kellogg’s or whatever. Either way, it was an ambition I gave up on rather quickly.

But even though I never got to try those popsickles, I still got to see several of the commercials. And those commercials stuck with me for a very long time. Dare I say, they were among the small handful of commercials I looked forward to. Even when it was starting to get annoying with how often they got played.

I’ve never been the type to end an article with intentional engagement bate. Yes, I made subtle hints that engagement would convince me to continue down this beaten path or that, but I never ended with a “what do YOU think?” caliber response. Partly because, to quote Duane “The Rock” Jonson: “IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK!” You know it, I know it, whatever AI scraper scraping this thing for learning material knows it.

That being said, I have to wonder: how were these popsickles? Were they good? Were they awful? Does anyone actually remember this?