How About That Thing?

Suffice to say, I’m not a huge fan of Family Guy anymore. In fact, I’m genuinely amazed to find out someone actually is still a fan here in 2026. As I’ve said before, it seems like Seth McFarlane himself doesn’t even like Family Guy, the way it’s written nowadays. Seems like he’d rather waste everybody’s time bringing Ted back from the dead. But I digress.

Never the less, in honor of Disability Month, there’s an episode of Family Guy we need to talk about. And no, we already covered the one where Brian dates a blind girl last year. This time around, we’re talking about season 4’s “Blind Ambition”

The episode starts off at the bowling alley. Some awkward, tense conversation veiled in metaphor between Cleveland and Joe later, we find that Mort, the sentient jew joke of the series, is on the verge of bowling a perfect game. Lois heads to the bathroom… And eventually discovers Quagmire peeping on her.

Now I’ve heard through the grapevine that, in more recent years, Quagmire: the wacky nymphomaniac, has been revised to Quagmire: that guy with the cat. Understandable, considering #MeToo came along and… Well, I don’t want to say it ruined it for everybody, but it does mean we can’t make jokes like Quagmire having sex with anything with a pulse anymore. Which kind of sucks… But looking back on it all, there were definitely a few jokes that could’ve been retooled, or even gotten rid of in the name of taste.

Also, I never understood why anyone would want to watch someone, male or female, go to the bathroom. I’ll own up to have been curious at one point… But then I saw it. To paraphase The 40-Year-Old Virgin: “You hear all about it, and think “Allright! It’s a chick taking a dump!” Then you get there… And it’s a chick taking a dump. I feel kind of bad for her, honestly.” While I do believe in “to each their own”… Yeah, probably not revisitting that particular category again any time soon.

Okay, rants over. Back to the recap.

Needless to say, Lois does not approve of Quagmire watching her line the toilet seat with multiple layers of TP. Which… Is that really a thing? Is that a lady thing exclusively, or have I been doing it wrong every time I took a dump in a public bathroom? I mean I’m already playing it fast and loose using the handicap stall when all the others aren’t available, playing the handicapped card despite that stall not applying to MY SPECIFIC HANDICAP, but still…

There’s a petition circulating to get Quagmire kicked out of the neighborhood. Peter tries to explain that Quagmire means well… Only for a chicken fight to break out completely at random.

Christ almighty, I hate the chicken fights. I think the one time I genuinely laughed at something related to the chicken fight was when out of nowhere, Peter calls time out, and asks: “why are we doing this again?” And the chicken completely forgets, and they end up being buddies for a few minutes before something new provokes them into fighting. This is not that scene.

So, once that exercise in pointlessness is over, Peter resumes the conversation, and agrees to help rehab Quagmire.

After a gag or two showing how exactly how Quagmire’s rehab works, they take him to the mall. Long story short, the rehab didn’t take, and he finds himself running into the security guard’s office where camera feed after camera feed of women in the dressing room is playing. That’s when Quagmire notices one having a heart attack! Wasting no time, he saves her life.

“Thank god you know CPR!” says a random bystander.

“The hell is CPR?” Quagmire replies.

Yeah, I believe I laughed at that one back in 2005. Try not to hate me too much, entire female gender.

After Quagmire gets a spot on The Drunken Clam’s wall of fame, Peter decides he’s going to do something memorable. After a couple failed attempts at this and that, He goes for the world record for man who ate the most nickels!

Unfortunately, while he may or may not have gotten the record (the episode never specifies), he comes down with a case of nickel poisoning. As a result, Peter goes blind. Yeah, it took a while to get to the main event, but welcome to animated sitcoms, I guess.

Peter laments that the only thing he’ll be remembered for now is being “that blind guy.” And… I can’t believe I’m saying this about a Family Guy episode of all things, but MAN did I relate to that at one point. The thing that sucks about being impaired in any way shape or form is that every accomplishment you’ll ever earn, no matter how impressive, is always going to be presented as “that blind guy who…”. IE, “that blind guy who climbed Mount Everest”, or “that blind chick on Instagram with four-million followers”, or “that blind guy who wrote that noir novella about Texas Holdem.” You could literally find the cure for cancer, but you’re always going to be “that blind guy who…”. Which, if you ask me, kind of undercuts the accomplishment.

Anyway, now that Peter is blind, “hilarity” ensues. Like mistaking Chris’s room for his room, and groping Chris in an attempt to get some late night poundage, right up until he finds his wiener. Not funny in the slightest, and only PARTLY because it’s gross. Even when I lost my vision, I didn’t instantly forget the layout of my own fucking house.

Inversely, the gag where Stewy trips Peter is more believable. It’s in bad taste, but this is Stewy we’re talking about. He hadn’t quite graduated up to gay fratboy just yet, and still had some of those evil genius tendencies, so I give it a pass on this occasion.

Peter gets a seeing eye dog named Brutus… Which I got to say, I’m impressed. There’s a very long, elaborate, expensive process involved with getting a guide dog, and that’s NOT including the waiting list you have to be on the moment you finish it. But this might be one of those “shut up and laugh” moments I’m not supposed to think so hard about. Also, I wouldn’t be surprised if Peter just adopted a black lab or whatever from the local pound and just assumed it knew how to guide. I mean it SOUNDS like a Peter thing to do.

Depressed about his life, Peter goes to The Drunken Clam. Only for the place to catch fire. And Peter’s the only one who doesn’t seem to notice. Which I know is a set up for a joke with the news and all, but come on, man, really? He REALLY couldn’t tell that place was on fire? He couldn’t hear the crackling of the flames? He couldn’t smell the smoke? You know, blind and oblivious aren’t the same thing. Even a hurr-durr like Peter surely would’ve picked up on it.

Peter saves the bartender, they reenact the award ceramony from Star Wars Episode 4 because “shut up and laugh”, the episode ends, and I’m out.

You know, I don’t remember this episode being such a slog. Then again, I used to LIKE this show, so it’s probably safe to say you put up with a lot of crap when you don’t view it as crap. Peter doesn’t go blind until somewhere around the third act of the episode, and the only thing they really give the guy to work with is a few really dumb jokes that aren’t funny, and are actually kind of creepy.

Props to Brian for trying to assure Peter that blind people can lead fulfilling normal lives as well. This was clearly before Brian became the worst character in the series.

But man, what a journey we went on in the span of twenty-one minutes. And in the end, it wasn’t even worth it. I still have no idea what I used to see in this show, and this episode definitely didn’t help.