How About That Thing?

The Acolytes Protection Agency, or APA for short, was probably one of the more interesting tag teams in professional wrestling. But as they say on How I Met Your Mother: before I tell you that story, I have to tell you this story first.

The year is 1998. Ron Simmons was going by Faarooq, and John Layfield was going by Bradshaw. Faarooq had been kicked out of The Nation of Domination: an all-black faction of wrestlers that… Did stuff, I guess. Bradshaw, meanwhile, was coming off of the EXTREMELY forgettable NWA invasion led by everybody’s favorite loudmouth, Jim Cornette. For the longest time, neither one of them was really doing anything… Then they met this man.

So, how many of you dear readers remember Jackal? Better known today as Don Callis: the head of AEW’s most bloated, overexposed stable, creatively named The Don Callis Family. But back then, as Jackal, I could listen to this man read the phone book.

I’ve written about them in the past, but Jackal was the head of The Truth Commission: a stable that started off as a tasteless reference to the South African apartheid, but quickly settled into just being a cult where green shirts and tan pants made up the uniform. When that faction broke up, he managed Kurgan: a seven-foot monster that I really thought was going to go places back in the day… But ended up being sorely mistaken, upon retrospect. Not helped by the fact Kurgan got absorbed into The Oddities: originally another Jackal stable that disappeared, like, a week later , then reemerged out of nowhere as The Insane Clown Possy’s entourage.

The Acolytes was originally Jackal’s latest, and final project before he went off to ECW to play Cyrus: the head of the network. Unlike The Truth Commission, and The Oddities, The Acolytes didn’t really have much of a gimmick. They had tattoos, they followed Jackal’s orders to the letter, but that was about it. They had no uniforms, they weren’t circus freaks… They were just two big meaty men who weren’t really doing anything important at the time, so why not throw them together?

And that was how the team was born. Not too shortly afterward, though, Jackal left WWF altogether. The Acolytes sort of bounced around the tag division for a while. Then, became part of The Undertaker’s Ministry of Darkness. Believe me, The Ministry of Darkness is a whole other article in of itself.

But then, in 2000, Bradshaw had a brilliant idea. “Hey, man, let’s become bodyguards! We’ll make some extra cash, we can work our own hours… We can call ourselves The Acolytes Protection Agency! What do you say?”

“DAMN!” said Faarooq.

“I knew you’d agree. Come on! Let’s set up an office!”

And so, a legacy was born. While most dudes would show up to WWF shows ready to wrestle, Faarooq and Bradshaw would show up, set up shop somewhere in the back, and spend the evening playing cards, drinking beer, smoking cigars, and doing whatever while waiting for clients.

The APA ended up being the ultimate betweener group as a result. They got hired by faces, they got hired by heels. They did asshole things to well-meaning idiots like Mideon, and they got into bar fights with The Dudley Boys. They ended up being the toughest sons-a-bitches you ever saw, and you were glad when they were on your side.

I’ll admit, when they first put this concept together, I wasn’t convinced it was going to work out. As Bradshaw sold Faarooq on his body guard idea, I remembered thinking: “Yeah, this shit isn’t going to last long. They’ll keep it up for a couple weeks, maybe a month tops, then go back to hunting for the tag titles.” And with prediction skills like this, I think I’d make a great weatherman, because that “couple of weeks” ended up becoming FOUR YEARS! Give or take.

The team split up in 2002, due to WWF becoming WWE and attempting the infamous brand extention. Only for them to rejoin forces in 2003 after Faarooq came back from injury, and Bradshaw floated around Raw as… Uh… That one guy in the cowboy hat, I guess.

The team officially split in 2004. Bradshaw would metamorph into John Bradshaw Layfield: rich dude. Faarooq would appear occasionally on Raw as Ron Simmons: that guy who says “DAMN!” a lot.

JBL was a VERY polarizing character. So much so, he actually got nominated for the gobbledygooker award over on Wrestlecrap.com. He didn’t even come close to winning, but the fact he got nominated in the first place really tells you how people felt in those early days. As the years went by, people softened up to the persona.

Unfortunately, according to several autobiographies, YouTube channels, and podcasts, it’d come out that John Layfield was a world-class dick. I’d say he was living the gimmick, except a lot of the stories I’ve heard happened WAY before he became JBL, so… Yeah. Kind of tarnishes your opinion of the guy when you hear those stories.

Meanwhile, Ron Simmons… Uh… Was around. I guess.

Even knowing what I know now about Layfield, The APA remains one of my favorite incarnations of this tag team. Could this team exist outside of The Attitude Era? Maybe. You’d probably have to tone down the beer drinking, and replace the cigars with pussy sti-uh-I mean vape pens, but it’s possible. I really hope they don’t, though. This tag team right here was lightning in a bottle, and it really ought to stay that way.

Turned out that “couple of weeks” lasted the better part of FOUR YEARS!