How About That Thing?

A long time ago, in an internet far far away, I used to follow a reviewer by the name of Bennett the Sage. Bennett hosted a show known as Anime Abandon: a series that looked at relatively obscure anime, usually from the dark age of English dubs. We’re talking so far back, the ownership rights to the series have expired, the dubbing company is most likely dead, and/or no one was interested in redistributing the show onto any format past VHS. Frankly, most of the super obscure anime I know about, I saw on Anime Abandon first. And if I didn’t see it there, I saw it because a friend of mine from way back really loved collecting the obscure stuff.

One of the many episodes uploaded over the years was a review of

Puppet Princess.

It’s very rare when any angry reviewer, or video essayist, or “riffviewer”, or whatever we call it now makes a video warning me of how bad a thing is, and I find myself actively seeking it out anyway. Low and behold, though, Puppet Princess ended up being the exception to the rule.

The anime centers primarily around a duo of characters cutting

their way through ninjas, soldiers, and hellacious nightmares.

The first is Monijiri. He’s a ninja who basically abandoned his team after “deathless warriors” came along and murdered his entire squadrin in one of the more gruesome scenes I’ve seen in a while. He really doesn’t have any special powers, outside of being a badass with a sword. In this universe, though, that’s perfectly fine.

Monijiri eventually runs into the other half of our dynamic duo

pretty early in to the movie.

This is Rangiku: the soul survivor of a noble family’s massacre. She locates Monijiri, asking him for assistance in her quest to “reclaim a puppet that used to belong to my father.” At first, Monijiri is… Well… On one hand, he’s unimpressed with her offerings, but he’s impressed with how much of a ditz she is.

Then, when confronted by the first real threat of the movie, she

reveals her secret technique: a mastery over MURDER PUPPETS!

That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, she pulls out puppets that do most of the fighting on her behalf. She controls them using strings attached to her fingers and toes, and can operate up to about three at a time. Monijiri, meanwhile, ends up basically running interference, keeping Rangiku safe. As Rangiku herself points out: as badass as the puppets are, she can really only go on offense, and if she’s taken out, then every single puppet in that basket on her back is rendered completely useless.

The battle is won, though one of the enemies gets away. We’re then treated to the movies favorite recurring… Joke? The fact Rangiku can’t remember Monijiri’s name. She keeps calling him Monijiro, but he keeps angrily correcting her and telling her it’s Monijiri. And I feel like this is one of those things that was probably a lot funnier in the original Japanese. That, or it’s the Japanese equivalent of that Johnny Bravo joke with Adam West.

“You see, Jimmy…”

“Johnny.”

“Nick. You see, it’s simple.”

So forth, and so on.

After that little moment, we then see the two of them sitting around a fire. Rangiku gives us a little exposition about her quest. Monijiri is uncertain of whether or not he wants to take this case on… Then Rangiku goes to bathe.

Then Monijiri pops up while she’s bathing, and… Uh… Huh. Yeah, I’m pretty sure he’s threatening to rape her. Like, not even joking. And I guess the comedy shows up when Rangiku DOESN’T slap him and call him a pervert like every anime in the history of ever, but instead decides “Well ookay, if you insist. Just hope this horrifying scar doesn’t turn you off. Also, be a dear, and don’t put it in my butt, okay?”

Okay, okay, that last line I made up. But yeah, she actually does have a pretty gruesome scar on the front of her.

Monijiri is thrown off, both by her apparent willingness to get mollested, and by the fact she has a very nasty scar on her body. There’s a lot more exposition about what happened in the past, but I’m too distracted by both the tonal whiplash of all this, and the fact Rangiku’s bare ass is right there on screen. Far be it for me to complain about a little nudity… Though I have to wonder if it still counts as jailbate if she’s technically not a human.

Yeah, spoiler: it’s revealed that Rangiku is actually a puppet herself. One of the most advanced puppets ever built. It’s… Strange.

The rest of the movie is basically a fight with the bad guy, and it’s very… Red. Not the worst thing I’ve ever experienced, but I’ve also seen better.

And that’s basically the movie in a nutshell.

Not going to lie, this is not a great movie. Or even a GOOD one, really. I do find myself agreeing whole-heartedly with Bennett the Sage regarding the fact this movie can’t decide if it wants to be dark as shit, or goofy as shit. It’s fucking Fullmetal Alchemist all over again, going from dude turning his dog and daughter into a horrendous monstrocity begging for death, then immediately jumping over to Colonel Mustang declaring “TINY MINISKIRTS!” for all girl recruits. Like, come on, man, just fucking pick one already!

I DISAGREE with Benett the Sage on the concept of murder puppets. Largely because… How do I put this? Anime asks you for a LOT of suspension of disbelief. There are shows that take place in a world where all conflicts are solved by playing a children’s card game, which is awkward as all hell in reality. There are shows where wars are being fought with giant robots in space, and I’ve read so many essays in my life insisting that this would never work in real life due to the robots stumbling all over the uneven ground, and space physics not allowing for such precise U-turns or whatever.

To put it another way: anime is fucking goofy as shit. And I love it. I’ll complain about tonal whiplash and continuity errors till the cows come home, sure, but something like using puppets to do all your fighting? Trust me, that’s not even the DUMBEST thing I’ve ever seen in anime.

Also, I tend to show this one some mercy, because it reminds me of a project I once thought of writing. Though it was inspired by Kankuro from Naruto, and was more like Zatch Bell in the sense they all had to fight to the death. Well, okay, they didn’t fight to the death in Zatch Bell, but you get what I’m saying regarding MY idea. I hope.

Overall, Puppet Princess probably wasn’t going to reinvent the wheel… But if you want a silly ultraviolent anime movie that can’t decide between dark and ditzy, I say give it a shot. What have you got to lose?