How About That Thing?

First, there was the book.

Not going to lie, I haven’t read this book. Nor will I probably ever read it. Or any other Vampire Chronicles book Anne Rice has, or ever will write. And it’s really nothing against Rice as a whole. Frankly, when it comes to unappologetic hatred of anything related to vampires, the Twilight series remains the champ.

And to all the zeds who are immediately assuming I hate Twilight because I’m one of those big bad straight white men who wish women would smile more and are pure unspeakable Lovecraftian evil… Yeah, you clearly didn’t try getting a book published between 2009 and 2014, did you? When you’re trying to write the next epic fantasy novel in an industry that only wants more paranormal tween porn, THEN we can talk. Until then, shut up and let me be a hater.

Anne Rice, by stark contrast, is a pretty good writer. I just couldn’t get in to it, no matter how hard I tried. And lord, did I ever try. I wish I could explain it, but it is what it is, at the end of the day.

It probably also doesn’t help that I’m more familiar with the movie version.

I’ve watched this movie more times than I’m proud of admitting out loud. Not helped that friends I’d made in college all belonged to different circles, and all of them had to watch this movie on their respective movie nights at least once. So I actually ended up watching this movie, like, three times in a row. And it fucking sucked all three times.

Maybe the book is better. It usually is, in instances like this. Maybe the book is just as stupid as the movie. All I know is I watched this movie, and I hated it.

And yet, I still found myself buying the soundtrack for it when the soundtrack came out.

In my defense, I bought the soundtrack BEFORE I saw the movie, so I had no idea the movie was going to be the travisty it ended up being.

Also, this album must have been something special, because I NEVER bought soundtracks. Especially considering that movie soundtracks, more often than not, were usually just glorified mixdiscs. Not to mention I either already had the albums most of these songs were already on, or I had no interest in the bands that were there to begin with. But I bought this one. With money. Real money. And man, I wish I could have that money back.

The story behind this soundtrack is actually a rather fascinating one, though. Along with the flavor of the month hits that made up nu-metal in 2002, there were five original tracks written specifically for the movie. Jonathan Davis of Korn provided the vocals for the original tracks… But when it came time to release the soundtrack, Sony apparently had some problems with this. I have no idea what those problems were, but after some legal confrontations that ultimately went nowhere, Jonathan Davis went with plan C, and had a few of his friends from popular bands of the time come in and due the vocals for him instead.

And whew boy, what twenty-plus years does to someone’s name and reputation.

Wayne Static and Chester Bennington are sadly no longer with us. Bennington committed suicide in 2017, which blew my mind when I heard the news… But then, thinking about it for a moment, I probably shouldn’t have been TOO surprised. Seriously, did you listen to “In the End”? That whole song reads like a suicide note!

As for Wayne Static… I don’t remember what happened to him exactly, but his passing was also a shocker.

Meanwhile, Dave Draiman of Disturbed, as of this writing, is still alive and kicking… But his pro-Israel anti-everybody else takes on the perpetual hate machine formerly known as Twitter have REALLY made it hard to admit in public that I used to like this band. Like, I’m a firm believer in separating the art from the artist, but when the artist’s last couple of offerings sucked as much as “Evolution” and “Divisive” did… Yeah, why exactly did these guys get back together? Aside from the fact Device, Fight or Flight, and the other project they were involved in didn’t pan out, of course. So yeah, much as I used to love these guys, and much as I liked Draiman’s vocals on “Foresaken”, pretty much all of my physical copies of my Disturbed albums are currently rotting away in my box of shame until someone tells me it’s okay to like Disturbed again.

And then, there’s Marilyn Manson. There’s a name I haven’t heard in ages. I admit, I liked a lot of the stuff he was putting out in the 2000s. I probably would’ve bought the albums if I wasn’t ALREADY pushing my luck with Cradle of Filth at the time. Then, he got #MeToo’d at some point in the late 2010s, and I personally haven’t heard anything from his camp one way or the other since. And maybe that’s a good thing. On top of the fact his fifteen minutes of fame clearly ended somewhere around 2006, it turns out the dude lives the gimmick, if you know what I mean. It’s not exactly up there with autographing a bomb that would later get used in… Shall we say, a controversial fashion. But yeah, it’s still pretty bad.

The fifth and final original song was done by Jay Gordon of Orgy. I’d make jokes about Orgy, but honestly, they’re the one band of the five whose vocalist isn’t dead, canceled, or a pervert (that I’m aware of, anyway), so I’d say they ended up doing okay for themselves. Now if only I liked Orgy.

The original songs for the movie… Ugh, honestly, they are what they are. I liked them when I was in high school, but I also liked Family Guy, Dane Cook, and Hellsing in high school. Not even Hellsing Ultimate, which has better animation, and is more accurate to the source material. So yeah, maybe high school me isn’t the guy to consult when trying to find decent music.

Then, you get to the rest of the soundtrack. And whew boy.

Since they did work for Jonathan Davis, Disturbed and Static-X in particular were rewarded with spots on this soundtrack. “Cold by Static-X is… Fine. It’s not one of my favorites from the band, but it’s still pretty solid.

But then, there’s “Down With the Sickness”. AKA, the reason I kept my copy of “The Sickness” by Disturbed under lock and key for several years. Trust me, my dad nearly kicked my ass for bringing home Cradle of Filth. I can only imagine what sort of meltdown was waiting for me the moment he heard Draiman lose his shit and beat his mom to death in the bridge of that song. And considering Draiman used to appear on stage as a mental patient, complete with jumpsuit and straightjacket, I was already hanging by a thread with that one.

“Change in the House of Flies” by The Deftones isn’t a bad song. It’s probably the closest I’ve come to liking The Deftones at any point in time. Those dudes are just on their own little wavelength, and it’s just not for me, though.Speaking of bands on their own wave length, Godhead is here, too. Yeah, that’s a band that lasted. Seriously, when your one big hit depended on an established act like Marilyn Manson to be on the track with you, it’s probably no wonder these guys aren’t around anymore. Barring that, it’s probably why I haven’t heard anything from them since.

“Deadcell” by Papa Roach was… Definitely an INTERESTING choice. Admittedly, you could do much worse when it comes to Papa Roach. And that’s not even counting some of the audible attrocities they put out in the 2010s. Seriously, discovering synthesizers and Imagine Dragons were the worst things that ever happened to that band. But “Deadcell”? If you’re willing to put up with nu-metal at its nu-metallest, then this’ll definitely do it for you.

“Earshot appears on this soundtrack as well, and man, if there was ever a band that deserved to be bigger than they were…. I have no idea whatever happened to these guys, but Earshot were definitely one of the better bands to come out of the 2000s. Granted, I liked a lot of stuff off their second album, creatively named “Two”, but we all got to get our start somewhere, I guess.

Rounding things out, there’s Dry Cell, Tricky, and Kidneythieves . I… Don’t even remember what these guys sounded like, if that gives you any idea of how much of an impression they made. To put things in perspective, I still remember one hit wonders like Stereomud, Lifer, and Third Strike like they came out yesterday. I couldn’t tell you anything about either of these last ones.

And that’s basically the soundtrack in review. It’s definitely… Eclectic, for lack of a better term. I’m sure I had my reasons for buying this soundtrack… But it didn’t take me long to forget what those reasons were. Especially after seeing the movie for the first time.

My suggestion: look up the tracklist, then pick and choose from there. This album as a whole, however, stands firmly as the perfect example of why the pirate life was the life for me in later years.