How About That Thing?

Last Father’s Day, I covered an episode of Ren and Stimpy where Ren became a dad. Semi-related note: that episode scarred me for life, and I STILL can’t work up the courage to watch it.

However, this actually wasn’t the first time Ren became a dad. Eggyokio was actually the SECOND time (that I’m aware of.) The FIRST time happened all the way back in season 2, when John K. was still in charge, and nobody really knew any better about what the man was like backstage.

In this episode, Ren becomes… I forget what it’s called exactly, but it’s kind of like one of those Bigger Brother programs where a foster dad takes care of a kid for a couple days. I’m pretty sure there’s money involved, which is the ONLY reason I could see Ren doing this.

The episode begins with Ren getting approved, and getting to meet the child he’ll be looking after for the weekend. And I’m sure he’s a darling little boy who…

HOLY MONKEY!

So yeah, this is Kowalski. The guy INSISTS that he’s seven years old. He also informs us that he’s serving thirty years in prison for crimes against humanity no one dare speak out loud. I’d say “eat your heart out, Johan Lieber”, but I don’t think anybody outside of a nich anime fandom is going to get that reference.

Fun fact: apparently, “Kowalski”was John K.’s catch-all term for giant, hairy oaf like characters like this. Largely because they were designed to sort of resemble Killer Kowalski, the famous professional wrestler. Some Ren and Stimpy fans probably know them better as lumixes, especially after Bob Camp took over in season 4.

So yeah, this massive, seven-foot, gorilla like, monster among men caliber human being is the “child” Ren has to look after. I know it’s supposed to be played up for laughs, and I did actually laugh the first time I saw this, but come on, man, really? True, I DID know a kid in elementary school who reached six feet by the time he was in second grade, but still…

Kowalski is released into Ren’s custody, and mayhem ensues. Slow, disgusting, grunty mayhem.

Not going to lie, once we’ve established the premise of the episode, it basically becomes a series of random gags that remind you Ren is trying to hold his temper, and Kowalski is REALLY pushing his buttons. Boy, do I know this feeling. and MY son is only two!

Probably the most memorable of these nigh interchangeable gags is lunch time, when Kowalski demands a meat-on-meat sandwich, with a nice tall glass of meat. I don’t know why, but Kowalski bellowing “MEAT!” in response to Ren’s questions always manages to get a laugh out of me.

Finally, with about two or three minutes to go, Ren can’t take it anymore, and decides “fuck you, we’re doing this MY WAY!” He tells Kowalski to drop his pants, and get ready for the spanking of a lifetime… Except the moment Ren sees Kowalski with his pants down, everything suddenly changes. I’m still trying to decide if I’m thankful they never actually show Kowalski’s giant hairy ass or not. We do kind of miss what it is Ren sees, but it’s implied it’s not a pretty story.

Whatever it is that Ren sees ends up sucking all the rage out of Ren, and he practically begs the big oaf to pull his pants back up.

The episode ends a little sadly, what with Kowalski saying “bye bye, Daddy!” over and over again, and Ren crying his eyes out as he watches him get sent back to his cell. It’s definitely a little sad, considering Ren and Kowalski finally managed to bond after a VERY rough start, but it could’ve been worse. Stimpy could’ve made him into a sandwich and eaten him! Which… I can’t decide if I’d actually like to watch Stimpy try or not. Especially since Kowalski grounded Stimpy into powder in one particular moment. But I digress.

For all my snark, I actually like this episode quite a bit. It has some legit funny moments, it doesn’t wear out its welcome… All and all, it’s worth the watch. Even knowing it’s on of HIS episodes.

The funniest thing is that, as a father, I can sympathize with Ren a little more now than I used to when I watched this episode. Ren’s definitely not the voice of reason by any means, but man oh man, I get it now. My son is not seven at the moment, and hopefully he doesn’t grow into a seven-foot man-ape like Kowalski. However, my son has done things that have risen my blood pressure, and made me lock myself in the bedroom and just scream wordlessly into the nearest pillow for minutes at a time. And a lot of the things he does are a lot like the stuff Kowalski does: spitting out and/or throwing away perfectly good food, destroying furniture, tearing pages out of books… I love my son more than anything in the world, and I want the absolute best for him, but I swear to god, if he throws another peanut butter and jelly sandwich I made for him on the floor and laughs, just one more… Well, you get the idea.

Parenthood is frustrating. Even if it’s just for a weekend. But in the end, it’s worth it. And that’s the lesson I got from a friggin’ Ren and Stimpy cartoon. And who says sitting around watching cartoons all day doesn’t teach you anything?